All I needed cry my sorrow out, communicate with all these pent sorrow.

Speak to the inner peace. And I feel a lot better.

The cavalry ain't coming. You've got to do this yourself.

Some motivation this morning :)

From Chris Gardner :

On Life

(1). “The Cavalry Ain’t Coming. You’ve Got To do This Yourself.”

(2). “Make Your Vision Larger Than Yourself”

(3). “It’s Your Responsibility To Pursuit What Matters”

(4). “We were homeless, we were not hopeless. There’s a world of difference.”

(5). “Do something that you love. Whatever you’re going to do is going to be tough enough. Find something that gets you so excited that the sun can’t come up early enough in the morning because you want to go do your thing.”

On Success

(6). “There is no plan B for passion”

(7). “Ready or not, Tell yourself to jump”

(8). “It’s ok to FAIL it’s not ok to Quit”

(9). “Baby steps count, as long as you are going forward. You add them all up, and one day you look back and you’ll be surprised at where you might get to.”

On Pursuits Of Happyness

(11). “You have to be bold because there will be folks who will say “You can’t” or “You shouldn’t” or “Why?” There is a certain boldness to saying “Well, I really don’t want to be a high-powered corporate lawyer. I’m really passionate about painting.”

(12). “Though my mom had too many of her own dreams denied, deferred and destroyed, she instilled in me that I could have dreams. And not just have dreams but had a responsibility to make them reality. My mom taught me from a very early age that I could do anything I wanted to do. ”

(13). “Don’t ever let someone tell you you can’t do something. Not even me. You got a dream. You gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want something, go get it. Period.” 

From Joel Neoh:

Be comfortable living in uncertainty."

Be happy with nothing. "

Happiness is not having more of what you want, but wanting more of what you have. 

******************************************************************************

TWO movies I want to watch:

The Pursuit of Happyness

Homeless to Harvard

Hurt? .

*breathes* sigh (in relief?)

I guess I finally know why all the hidden sorrow. Guess it's good that I've unravel the knot. Open up the pain & left in bare.

Truth be told, it hurts so bad. It reminded me of all the hurtings once and for all. Lay it bare, right there. Right there.. Heal me. Embrace me.

I feel so cold & lonely in the middle of the night. I feel my trembling legs that were so tired of holding everything up and pushing through. I look into the mirror and I've not seen my face like that for so long. When was my eyes last so red? Hmmm. JN you've lost some weight.. How did I not tell that.. You look pitiful.. Someone please hold me.

Heaven bent to take my hand?

But not to worry.. I'm over the sobbing, blowing nose and all that. Was just thinking maybe she's right after all... You gain sth, you lose sth.
This IS the game we're all playing on Earth isn't it?
Of course, I've never gave up and will not give up on us. But those words...

Maybe it's God's way of reminding me to look around me and tell me how it's like to be losing them?
And I should be grateful for this to happen?

I couldn't sleep cos of all the crying and nose block and how one hurt just reminds me all the previous's although unrelated. Now.. I'm just slowly getting lost and giving up the battle to stay awake... Zzzz...

I seriously feel so annoyed by my parents. Asking me about getting any replies from the companies everyday - EVERY SINGLE DAY as if that will blardy hell help to make the companies reply faster.

Yeah, if they think the job market is so tough out there, shouldn't they stop pressurizing me everyday? Shouldn't they already be proud that despite the tough job market I've ALREADY LANDED A JOB OFFER and am just applying for more to make myself more competitive? FOR GOD'S SAKE, I've only sent in those applications for a week. It generally takes them at least 2 weeks (sometimes even a month or so) to reply.

So f**king GIVE ME A BREAK! It's precisely because they are asking about it everyday that makes it felt like it's been so long since I've sent in the applications when the truth is, I've only sent in for a week!

GOD DAMN IT! I hate to admit it but it BLARDY HELL DOES AFFECT ME. And I just can't vent my frustrationsssss. and facing them everyday blardy hell makes me feel like I'm living in a pressure cooker, going to burst anytime. DAMN IT.

Why da hell not?

So consumed trying to think of all sorts of reasons to say why we can't do this and that or at least, been told so and starting to get consumed by these words.

My question is then, "Why not?"

WHY DA HELL NOT?

adding #7 to the list: Paintball & GoKart with the wealth architects.
And so today I met CK for dinner. I was skeptical but as always, I knew it would be rewarding (skeptical nonetheless).

2 years down the road I'd be nodding in a smile with my eyes closed, breathing in some fresh air and sigh in relief for what I did.
1 year down the road I might be struggling but everything seems to be budding.
0 year down the road - YES, right now, I'd hafta do what it takes to get to the above.

Honestly, I am just so damnnn annoyed by my parents' doubts and they really affect me. I felt like I just have to stay away from these constant questions that pressures me into what they want for me instead of what I want for myself. Then comes the question, Am I being selfish? Am I, really now?

Well, let's look at long term. Give me 1-2 years. Yes Jinni, 1 to 2 years you'll have to endure these.
GDI, i just hate it when people like my parents or grandma doubts me. I feel so angry inside but I know I can't say anything till the results speak for itself. Sigh. ENDURE and thou shalt PREVAIL.

*self-hug*

Fulfilling 23 :)

Wow, it's been a while! There were few times I wanted to post sth but seriously, I've had very fulfilling days in the past few months. I didn't even realize I've been on the move for more than 5 months already! Wow, really?

Anyway, am here because I found a link relevant and helpful to one of my previous post:

How to Start a Conversation When You Have Nothing to Talk About

On a side note, let me give you a summary on what has happened since May 2013:

1) Birthday surprises, attending interviews (LTA & SMRT), pack for KL/Chengdu/Tibet/Nepal/Australia, FYP Journal editing

2) Grad Trip (about 6 weeks)
3) FYP Journal editing, Convocation (about 1 week +, including friend's)

4) Internship at DAP (5 weeks in total, including 5 days 4 nights trip to Penang)

5) Job applications & another interview with SMRT (about 1 week)
6) Impian Sarawak voluntary work (5 days 4 nights)

and yes here I am! Phew. Too much to digest honestly but am proud and glad of what I fought for and what I've accomplished.

No money nor time could replace such precious and gratifying experience.

Meanwhile, I need some time to digest the past few months of adventure. I'm gonna back a come-back soon! Stay tuned. :)

Truth is,

You'll never think you're ready enough.
And when you don't, people talk about taking leaps of faith as though you're gonna fall flat on the road.
No! It ain't that bad.
I say, just hop along and you'll get there. No need for leaping and worrying.

:)

Someone who inspired me lately:

Yeo Bee Yin

Do I want to make it work?

Like I've always said,
the question asked should have been
"Do I want to make it work?"
instead of
"Do you think it's possible/ it's gonna work out?"

because if you ask yourself the latter, chances are, you'll get a lot of self-doubts and reasons to convince yourself that it's not going to work.

Truth is, it's a choice and if you want to, you'll make it work.

Bam! There you go.

Well if I were you, I think I would have chose the same.
Only wished you handled it better.
Then again, looking back, I think I would have handled it better given the experience.

Oh wells, what's the point of 'wished' or 'would have' right?

Like my grandmother says,

千金万金都买不下“如果...”，还有“早知...”。

既然你无论如何都需要面对, 事情都会过去，事后就会欣慰。 这整个过程，不如脚踏实地，坦然地面对？

You're now at 'now'. It's easy to trap yourself in flashbacks and make the past feels so 'now'.

But you've gotta let those attachment slip.. Your senses are cheating you. Those are past attachments. Yes, even those emotional attachments should be current and not accumulating the past's.

All you need is a *snap*, awake and you're at where you're supposed to be- 'now'.

I will start a company that runs public transportation there. Yes.

Things to get rid off and work on

So yesterday, there were string of events laid out for me.

SMRT career talk, visit to 3D theatre, a scholarship talk and networking session with the companies..

You know, attending these sort of events, speaking to people and meeting people from different levels (whether career or life), you'll either leave feeling some sort of satisfaction OR inadequacy.

Above all, I guess I'm fortunate to be able to observe and interact with these people. It's funny cos you can almost tell how an organization works based on the pool of staff they have. The way they talk, the things they laugh about.. You can really tell the difference especially when it's engineering versus non-engineering companies, private companies versus governmental organizations.

Umm, yes, I left with with the feeling of inadequacy after the last event yesterday. I haven't had the time to digest those inadequacy last night but this morning I woke up thinking through it. So I sat down writing these...

You bet. I was marking myself, seeing if I can correct mistakes I did yesterday. I gotta admit, that one particular business student really got me there.. Hands down. The way she pitched herself so naturally..
I started realizing the differences between engineering students and business students everyone has been talking about. Not to brag but I would consider myself one of the more talkative and sociable engineering students? Can you imagine how engineering students in general have to be compared to business students? Wow. Just wow.

I'm starting to recall how I was quietly self-doubting at that moment, subconsciously noticing the difference in terms of interaction when she was conversing with the personnel whom I was speaking to as compared to mine. Those voices in my head was not within my control. In my mind, I was questioning myself, "Oh gosh, don't you have more intelligent questions to ask? Look at her. Hmm how am I to keep the conversation going? What to say next? Am I not striking for an intellectual conversation? It feels like an empty conversation, meaningless... Hmmm..."

I felt like fish out of water during the networking event, perhaps partly felt like I wasn't there to hunt for scholarship or any of those companies? I was there for IE Singapore but apparently it's not the right event to be at.

Then again, there's always sth to learn. I'm glad I had the courage to attend these events on my own and left feeling inadequate (lol). It is a good exposure to prepare me for upcoming interview(s). Sort of like a wake up call to let me know what I am lacking. It sure didn't feel good cos I was eating up my self-confidence again. Yes, I had that "gosh-get-me-out-of-here" feeling again. 

BUT GJN! You've overcome it once again. ;) Polish and you will shine.
I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way and hopefully I'll be able to help others with the same problem in future.


P.S. I still feel the inadequacy but I just gotta keep reminding myself to work on it instead of dwelling on it. Things like "I've so much thoughts and personalities to show but I can't seem to be able to portray or express it in words." That's a big issue to work on. So many times I feel like I didn't get my message across effectively. :/ Yes yes, time to work on it! Grhhh Vrooommm!

This is a song I would love to hear it live

Still gives me goosebumps.. That sense of longing and missing sth.. Europe trip, him, good days despite the ups and downs.. The warmth in the cold..

A Brilliant Madness

Not sure if you guys heard about the movie "A Beautiful Mind" but I think some of us might be able to recall the Nash Equilibrium a.k.a. Game Theory which we studied in Principle of Economics in our first year of University.

Gosh, it's kinda amazing how this person is still alive while we're studying it (well cos most of the theories and principles we studied came from the famous of centuries ago like Newton, Albert Einstein etc.)

Too many things going in mind,
I don't know what to say.

I guess it takes an extraordinary (person) to go through such extraordinary life.

With that said, I think Alicia must have been an amazing person to put through this and it's really sweet that they remarried.

I believe it has never been easy and I can only say, I was flabbergasted.

It got me thinking.

Someone said, "Don't think out of the box. Think like there's no box."
Truly, John Nash might have been one of those few people that 'thought like there's no box'

hence the non-conformity which were deemed peculiar.

Martha Nash Legg: He has said that he more or less put his hallucinations aside, like a conscious decision. I mentioned that to somebody, and she said, well, why didn't he do it sooner?

Well, I guess it takes that long journey to be able get a grip of his life

and to be able to make that conscious decision. 

I think people whom he loves and people who loves him made part of the conscious decision too.

;)

I'm giving up on you... Sigh yes, I can't feel your effort and I really don't think it's worth it anymore.

What Will You Create to Make the World Awesome?

Oh, these times are hard, yeah, they're making us crazy Don't give up on me, baby

You have no idea how relieved I felt. Yeah, for the first time, we actually let it out.
I feel like I'm finally true to my feelings, those that I've been trying to bury for the past whole year.

I had to heal, you see. No matter how or what, I had to. It was hard and painful but life goes on.
But all those unanswered questions really kept me hanging on the string no matter how much I struggle to lift myself up.

Yeah so today was like digging out the core which I've been trying to bury deep in a corner of my heart.
Every time I was reminded about it, I pour more sand on it to bury it deeper until it got so heavy.
So deep, sometimes I forgot why I'm feeling so heavy.

Digging it out makes me feel so much lighter, as if I got rid of all the sand that fill the weight.

It is but a hollow core waiting for answers to be filled into it.

And finally its purpose fulfilled.

and I ask for nth more.

Indeed, that was all I needed.

You ask yourself why would you fall for a jerk?
And you thought you really like a person so much so that you find it difficult to fall for someone else?

Well.. you just haven't met enough people to meet 'him'/'her' yet.

Strange isn't it?

How was it even possible to fall for someone from a different world?

and not knowing someone enough to fall for him/her but you just did?

How is that possible? :/

So I was looking for inspiration on what to write for MAE year book and I remembered I wrote down my thoughts and feelings on pieces of paper and tuck them in somewhere.

Yeah cos there were a lot of things that I didn't want to be reminded of but it's about time.
Haha and one of it goes like this:

Remember you said,
"No matter what happens, I should be thankful that he helped me moved on" ?
Remember you said,
"This is not what I want in a long term and I am prepared for the consequences" ?
So yeah it doesn't matter anymore.

I think that it's good to write your thoughts and feelings out on pieces of paper especially when you know you're at a stage where you're not so rational or too engrossed? Rather than spilling 'em all out to people around? Write as if you're throwing it all out at the person you want to say 'em to. Tuck 'em all at a corner which you'll hardly access as if you're letting go.

Months later, when I look back, I actually don't feel the agony anymore. I smiled looking at what I wrote. And I see things clearer. :)


One last thing to say for this post:

Sometimes we're so focused on people who do not care, we forgotten that people we truly care about are just around us. We breathe them in and out so much so that they've become such convenience to be taken for granted.

I just wana express my appreciation to people I love, my family and friends. I know my family won't be reading this but Bobo & Vincent, if you're reading this, thank you, truly. :)

One day when I have kids, I will tell them,

"Don't let the way people look at you shape you. 

You determine who you are, yourself."

Walk away, for real.

Hmm yeah I was PMS-ing yesterday. :/ But still..!


Anyways, on Umano today:
10 Little Habits that Steal Your Happiness


Note to self, point #9:

Sometimes you have to walk away from people, not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.  When someone hurts you time and time again, accept the fact that they don’t care about you.  It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s necessary medicine.  Do NOT strive to impress them any further.  Waste not another second of your time trying to prove something to them.  Nothing needs to be proven.  Do not act with any thought of them ever again. 

The thing is you should have figured out by now that he is truly not the one for you, don't ya think?
That there will be someone more deserving? Someone who deserves your care, your attention, your love as much as he provides you and together you both will help each other grow?

And this dude is definitely not the one.

You don't fuckin' get multiple reentry permit into my life. Argh. I swear this is gona be the last time you walk in and out of my life. NO MORE!

Damn it, I hate how I am always still nice to you.

Best Buy! Haha :D

*******************************************************************

                      INVOICE

Product purchased: Lessons learnt
Product description:
1. Always set reminders when it comes to money matters. Always double check on due dates.
2. Always pen down to-do-list no matter how overwhelming it gets.
It gets even more overwhelming when you don't.
3. Prioritize.
4. Think simple. Being good doesn't mean being complicated and/or different. Not necessarily the way to stand out. In fact, sometimes it reverse the effects.
5. Learn how to embrace failures.

Total amount: $11.50 + B-
Payment via: NETS & Grades

Status:  Accepted & Settled
*******************************************************************
When shit happens, remember that it could have been worse.

Inspired by grandpa's story, "The deep shit you're in today will probably bring you goodwill in future."

我有点累。

What kind of life are you living in JINNIGAN!
Bread grew mold, tuna mayo turning sour (maybe not yet?)..
(Took out those pieces w/o mold and finished up the tuna mayo spread :/ )

Mind is so occupied, one mistakes leads to another.

Only when I listed the never-ending to-do-list that I realized I had SO MUCH in mind.
It's no wonder you're constantly thinking of what to do next!
It's no wonder you ended up so tired at night, trying to recall what have you done today that made you feel so tired.

Have I been too optimistic about too many things that god started to think it's time to throw some challenges to me? Lol. Sighs. Just more things to fix. Gotta break this chain.

I need to start tidying up things! Tidy up myself! A change is needed jinnigan, change is what you need.

*yawns* so tired...

Dear God, I love this job! :D

HAHA. Thank you God (whoever you are) for such blessings! For some reason, you never fail to assign someone who feels lost or down to me from time to time. And I hafta say, I'm loving this counsellor/motivator role I'm doing all these while!

I LOVE INSPIRING PEOPLE. The satisfactions and what I gain out of all these conversations are so much more than what you would expect. Fact is, it always goes both ways! You might think you're encouraging someone else but you'll realize that at the end of the day, you'll learn sth through those conversations. And you'll end up feeling encouraged as well! It's a guaranteed win-win situation, ya know what I'm sayin' ;)


What I hafta say for today is this,

"Life for me thus far, had never went according to ANY of my plans. Somehow or other, I am glad it happened that way because looking back, I don't think I was prepared to face what I thought I would be able to handle, naively. Today, I am who I am, all thanks to "things-happened-not-according-to-how-I-wanted-it-to-be". Polished and groomed to be a better person in all ways I can imagined of and still striving to seek more revelations."

And today, I've got recognition for my efforts and I proved myself right.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

It's such a small achievement and nothing to boast about but it is the start of many more to come! So really, it gives me great pleasure to be able to say this to myself,

I am so proud of you GAN JIN NI!

for all the things you've done and how far you've come. :)

I shall heed my calling.

For some reason, every morning I'll wake up with some distractions.

Yesterday I was reading up on Karen Mok.. and today I'm reading up on Grace Sai!

I'm starting to pick up signs and I'm starting to think it's my calling. I really don't have to worry about it because I have faith that I'll make things work. Despite all the doubts, yes. And I won't give up, NO!

That's mah girlllllll. Whoopiessss! :D You go girl! More ass-kicking to do, be ready for it! :)

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! " - Rocky Balboa

You should be proud of yourself Jinnigan!!

HAHA, no doubt it's one epic embarrassing moment. But hey, you didn't run or hide or think about not going back there anymore. That's really sth to be proud of, don't ya think?

A friend of mine said, OMG don't go back to that class anymore!!!
Well, that really didn't occur to me at all. I mean, I didn't do anything wrong, it's just how my body works and plain human nature. Why should I feel bad about it?


I'm like, no no no no.. I'm not gonna hide or run. I'll just pretend I was a clown for a while and brighten everyone else's day! I just made a good deed! ;)

(although.. if only they know the true story :x Ahem.)

Ahhh, Jinnigan you did fineeee. Don't worry about it :D
Not at all, not at all.

*****************************************************************
(On a separate account)
Somehow, there's this great feeling in me again. I still have faith that I'm going to do something really great. LIKE KABOOM AND KABAAM! tralalalala. ;p

Keep walking

Life has been good so far. I've been feeling like blogging more maybe because there's this feeling in me which I wouldn't know how to describe to other people.

It's like some sort of serenity (or emptiness?), like no pain, just vast ocean with calm waves as if ready to embrace greater things that's about to come.

At the same time, my mind is asking so many questions, "When? Why hasn't it come? Will I be able to..?"
All I know is that I hafta keep going. There's just so much to do and at any point I stop doing anything, I feel like time is wasted. A lot of time had already been wasted..

Sigh, will I be able to make it?

My heart says yes but my mind doubts it.
At days like these, it's a constant battle between the heart and mind. But that keep me going.

Another Inspirational Day :)

I love days like these where I can wake up in the morning, listening to news, inspirational stories whether on Umano, Newsy, CNN or Flipboard (thanks to technology ;) at my own luxury (of time).

and then I think of schedule for the day. As much as I want to keep up with my schedule everyday, there're always occasionally lil things that pop up from time to time.
People you bump into... Friends calling you for help...
Things that make you take some moments off your tight schedule while you're busy chasing time.

But it always feels good, like some sort of little achievements, whether it is helping your friend to find directions or really simple things like bumping into nice friends you haven't seen in a while, getting updates.
Lil things that make me happy. And all these things always accumulate in me which makes me feel like I'm bound to do sth great; there's this positive energy in me which can no longer be contained, just wanting to come out and outburst and outshine the darkness.

That's a typical day in Jinni's everyday life. :)

********************************************************
Haha, anyways! 2 inspiring things I found today:
1. Why you should travel young
2. Google Science Fair (Why am I not 13-18!!!! (or) Why not open for all ages!? ):

And what really hit me was
how I should really let my passion lead me more and stop trying to craft this ideal  career path that fits the 'global image' which obscure that out-bursting energy in me.
It's been inside me for so long but I kept suppressing it in order to fit the world, the people around me.

Suddenly it became obvious that
I should be less uptight and let it flow. Just like those passionate kids.

Suddenly I get this feeling that
if you can just get honest with yourself on your passion, sth great will come.

Be a mirror to everyone else and see a mirror in them as well.

One day     Jinni, when you become someone great or noble or legendary, do not be afraid of sharing your weaknesses with the people.

For as much as everyone wish to craft this perfectionism in a hero, and people compete for it, and people get lost in it.
But we all forget that a hero is just as human as everyone else is, blood and flesh.
One who is truly inspiring is but one who reminds the people that they share the same weaknesses as the rest, only chose to go the extra mile. And that has made all the difference.

And that is sth you want to see in the rest of the people.

没有你，我活得好好的。

也许活得更好。

*taking in some fresh air* ;)

They ask me why and I don't know how to answer

Hmmm, yester-night, we were having our 'grad trip meeting' and then during the 'tong sui' session...

The topics were like job hunting, life plans, financial plans (mainly to pay off loans) etc. And suddenly I feel guilty.

Most of my friends hafta think about paying off debts, then rentals etc. It's all the things I can easily take for granted.

And my friends are envious of my financially stable family (well averagely stable I suppose). One made a remark and he wasn't the first to say this to me.

"Why do you hafta make it so difficult for yourself? Your family seemed quite well to do."

Idk. It's just, I've this thing in me. I believe that for what it's worth, I need to fight for it. Of course, I dare not say I'm fully capable of being independent but at least I can say I'm not a spoil brat?

A lot of ppl don't get it. I.. don't know how to explain either.

 Regardless, I'm just glad that my parents gave me the luxury to dream big. They let me escape from financial and family burdens. Not everyone's so lucky.. And precisely cos of that, I feel like I've to do more and not waste this gift. 

When you gaze into the plausibility of future,

the past seem negligible.

And suddenly it becomes clear, what you should be doing now.


Focus on the possibility of creating your desired future, rather than going through a constant reminder of your past.

Accidental shot of accidental coherence

Just like how you stepped into my life. Accidental, quick and short.

And then we drift apart, walk our own ways.

Just like how it was supposed to be. Accidental, quick and short.

是时候整理心情了

嗯 :)

It's not that love is not for you. It's just that he is not for you.

好不容易喜欢一个人，却又不是对的人。

For some reason..

Coincidental or what?

This morning I was reading this news on CNN:
How to 'take over' a brain

I thought it's somehow freaky though significant contribution in cognitive studies and perhaps treating illness such as Schizophrenia and Parkinson's disease.

And while studying & researching for my FYP (which has got nth to do with neuroscience), I happened to stumble on this video:

which kinda left me speechless.

Hmmm, why is it that I started my day reading about sth like that and ended my watching video on this 'theory of everything'?

The chances of coincidence felt so unbelievable as though it's pointing me towards some direction.
Hmmm, can't help wondering but I shall leave that to my dreamland to decipher.

Good night :)

I wrote a poem today :)

Life's too full of perks
to be giving in to sorrow.

Where agony lurks

revelation will follow.

Something will be found
treasures yet unknown.
The world so profound
I'll find a place I call my own.

Chicken soup for the soul perhaps?

Fluttering heartbeat, difficulty in breathing and nightmares for 2 consecutive days.

Mmmm. It's time for some soul searching and tame the anxiousness and regain my tranquility.