I need to sleep..

And Idk why I'm crying.. 

I feel so fking lonely & hurt inside.

Insecure.

It feels horrible when you know you can't afford to treat your family a meal, you can't buy the present they want. Can't give your parents money.

All the conversations they talked about, flight mileage and gold member and what not.. That my brother could buy a Xmas gift for my niece & I couldn't even afford this. It pains me inside out. That feeling of incapability.

And all that social media photos and videos of people travelling for holiday especially at this season.

One could not help but wonder how my life would have been if I continued to live a normal life & climb the corporate ladder. I could afford the house we probably would have been planning for; We would be on a honeymoon trip right now.

But nope, my husband (which sometimes I forgot that I'm married because wedding didn't feel like wedding to me for various reasons) is overseas working hard on the Biz we're working on. I'm alone. Here. Enviously looking at social media posts. Screaming inside but silent on the outside.
Not knowing if we would even survive this month. Just hoping for miracle to happen.

In debt. Way beyond what I could cope with. But still hanging on.

Yet still working on NGO efforts to help others.

Tell me, really, what are you thinking JNG?

Tell me, really, God - will this get any worse? Do kind souls really get what they deserve? :'(

什么时候才能不再让我的男人（们）继续热晒雨淋地做delivery呢？😩💔

轨迹

心里的眼泪，模糊了视线.. (8)
让我快看不见.. (8)

人生不能重来。如果能的话，会不会希望早一点遇见你？

我是个爱自由，爱刺激，爱新鲜的人，但是又非常有责任感的人。
我曾经轰轰烈烈爱过，也因此选择了与平平稳稳的对象结婚。

如果你问我爱不爱我老公，那问题就等于在问我爱不爱我父母。
那为什么这个人会在我脑海里一直徘徊呢？
是因为越得不到的，却会产生更多的幻想空间？
还是说，一个人是能够同时爱／喜欢两个人呢？

我脑里和心里都在说服着自己，this is just a phase, just like any others before.
All this wouldn't have matter down the road.

Keep a safe distance. 保持安全的距离。

也许这也是我那块 想保护脆弱的心灵 的一种 instinct.

Anyway, 现在也不是时候想这些东西。我还有一个 team 和很多的恩人需要做交代。
先弄好T先，再说吧！