Purpose of life ain't that Spark but the meaning of life

 Discard the noises.

Practice the art of indifference. 

Focus on what you want to learn, take away and achieve. Your personal goals.. 

Monday blues

4 months in and I could really feel the dread to go to work...

Every Monday I wake up with this sucky feeling. 

Missing the passion & satisfaction from startup days

Is it a case of missing what you don't have?

Is it a pathetic me looking for excuse and escape?

Yesterday they said want to get the consultant back; Today he say maybe can acquire this other company and have him as CTO - I was stunt. 

Why do we always have to do a lot more to prove what we're worth?

They don't care. Why should I? 

Phoenix Rising from Ashes

Lately it seems like most things are almost magically with an unknown force compelling towards positive direction, which is great.
Last night as I slept, for some reason, this phrase "Phoenix Rising from Ashes" kept repeating in mind.

Hopefully so.

I'm up late at 3.20am right now so that I can try to do some work. Havent been able to get work done during the day. I'll either have to babysit my niece or do some follow up work on T, like all the logistical arrangements for shipment of scooters or follow up work for winding down.

Then by the time i'm ready to sit down and do work, le hubby would be home and decide to work on the furnitures for a timeline seem somewhat eternal. It has gotten to a point where i start to feel really frustrated BECAUSE i have deadlines to meet and i cant get shit done!!!!!!!!

FKKKKK. It's like my timeline has to revolve and accommodate everyone else's. And I have to stay up late every night till like 3am to compromise with all this. It's not like it's anyone's fault but it's affecting my personal schedule and daily sleep is getting shorter because no matter what time i sleep, i still wake up at 8+am. There always seem like there's still more to do.

I just f*ckin need to vent!!!!!!!! my f*ckin pent up frustration or else i'm a ticking timebomb.
And constipation for consecutive 3 days now, again. FKKKKKK.

OKAY, i shall not let my anger & frustration linger longer than this post. IT ENDS WITH THIS POST.

*BREATHES*

Just had the haemorrhoid surgery yesterday.

Honestly, I haven't been sleeping much for nights.

Not sure if it's the anus hurting, heart aching or just mental torture

I can't sleep..
I'm just binge watching The Good Doctor so I  can get myself distracted.. I'm in denial..

Idk how to help myself .. Waiting is painful..
Unable to do anything about the situation is miserable..

I really want a fresh start 😥

Is it aching or just numbed?
I can't tell anymore.

I look forward to a fresh start with new people and environment, with the exception of few that I can continue to work with.

I kinda wanna just get a high salary job and pay off the debts.

But I need to ensure proper closure and transition.. Time is ticking..

And the most painful part, is to be sitting and waiting...
Sense of time starts to warp and distort.
It makes me anxious..

A hug and a kiss on the forehead, everything else melts away.. 🤗

Special delivery today ❤️

Fought with hubby this morning and he left to eat breakfast without me.
Was preparing angpow and
Bank account left $200..

I burst out crying - idk because of the fight or because of the bank account balance. Maybe both. Maybe more of latter.

Last night crying like shit watching last few episodes of Girl Boss on Netflix.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm married. Sometimes I wonder if we love each other romantically at all.
Sometimes I don't know why I married.
Sometimes... I just don't know what I'm doing...

Now I'm just sitting under the sun at the playground in front of my grandma's house not wanting to enter alone and get all the questions... Sitting under the hot sun, waiting for my man to enjoy his breakfast and take his stroll over..

Right. What a perfect morning to kickstart the day.

I look forward to the day I won't wake up feeling anxious...

Happy CNY! First year as a married woman. Lol. So far so good.
Wrote half way on the day before yesterday (初四) when I was at midvalley with him at A&W.

Had been feeling very lost and after yesterday's meeting with ADUN, I have truly shattered into pieces. Like the only reason why I held on so strongly to fixing transport issues have also been trashed.
Utterly disappointed by politics and its probably the same everywhere.

Today went to thean hou temple and prayed before sending him off to take bus back to SG. The masks were precautionary steps against coronavirus, lso commemorating this special year of rat.

I wasn't sure why I felt very tempted to 求签 and pushed to action for the very first time.

And this was what I got:

 While I know not to fully depend/trust this as I have always believe at the end of the day, 还是要靠自己, but I'll admit that it made me feel better reading it.

I seriously don't know what's gonna come and how else to lead my team now but I hope I'll figure out. With help 🙏😇

I am ready af for new adventures. 我只想对亏欠的人有个交代。