Is it...

because when you can't get something, the more you want it and when something comes too easily, it becomes nothing to you?

Hurh. Gosh... Am I lying to myself?

To-do-list for 2011 and 2012

1. Compose and produce a song.
2. Write a story
3. Master at least one FULL song on the guitar.

That's what I want to do to end my 2011. *cross fingers* haha.

And for my year of 2012, I  have one and only one New Year Resolution:

1. FOCUS.
2-1 = 1. FOCUS.
3-2 = 1. FOCUS.

and it goes on and on. Haha!

Yes, to focus on only one new year resolution, that is to FOCUS.

For once, I'm not so greedy! And probably will be able to remember this new year resolution till the next new years eve (hopefully there's still new year evesssss to come, since everybody's talking about how 2012 is the end of the world, ya know.)

Unlike in the past, I've LONG LOONG never-ending list of new year resolutions which i'll forget in a month and by the end of the year remembered I made a long list that I don't remember about. HAHA bullseye for YOU too, RIGHT?

Hmmm, what's your ONE new year resolution? The one that you wana nail so badly?

If that was a truth, it's a lie.

Nope, I lied. It was just toughening up the face and all.
Haha.

The only reason I pulled through it was, "Why make it bad when I can make it good?"
Haha.

It's funny. How you improve in handling this. Doesnt mean you dont feel that sucky feeling anymore.
It's just, you have to deal with it, better each time. Otherwise, you're urh...fucked. Lols.

But anyways, I think zk might be right and I might do just that?
We'll see.

Go live your dreams people! I'll be right here, living my dreams too!
10 years from now (let's hope it's shorter than 10 years), we'll be there meeting each other. Yeah, THERE, where dreams come true, I mean it, real.

:) Go.

WHO CARES?

WTH, IM 21 AND YOUNG. F**K IT.

LETS GO HAVE FUN.

You?

I know what I want in my life, what about you?

I'm not sure if it's going to turn out the way I want things to be,
but I will do my part for things to happen.
How about you?

I am confident that there are abundance of goodness in the future.
Do you have the confidence in me?

It's like digging my own grave..

Gosh..

But.. I dont know why! Feelings and rationality fighting. GosH. S-A-V-E-M-E-.

Bittersweet.

Haha, it's that so-much-to-say-but-forgot-or-dont-know-what-to-say-anymore thing again.

Ummm, i mean it sure doesnt hurt that much anymore.
It's more like a it's-a-pity.. what have happened..
就是那种回想起以前的所有，and wonder to yourself, what went wrong? 然后觉得好可惜。
应该是那么说吧?

haha, it's so funny how when i tell my college friends or people who know, "Yeah, i thought it's really time to move on." They'd be like, "What! You mean you haven't move on!?"

Nope, I'm not a loyal freak. But it's so hard when u met a guy so great.
It's just different and not a relationship which can be judged with the common view or based on personal views.
(Nevertheless, it's different now.. You know how you'll still have this attachment but feelings are no longer like how it used to be anymore?)

Strange isn't it? You took 4 years to go after a girl and then you got it for 8-12 mths and then you (or I?) take another like 3 years to move on.

Wow, you've wasted too much time and feelings and trusts on me, young man.
So sorry for what I've done to you. But I've had my share of heartbreaks as well.

Then again, it's just a chapter of life. We wouldn't know what's next for life but I definitely wish nothing but the best for you. I really do.

You are no boyfriend material. You are a husband material. I hope to find someone like you again.

"You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days"

"Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"

-Someone like you, Adele

We'll hang out when we meet again, old friend.
Don't give up in love and relationships because of me.
I hope you find that new girl that will not break your heart like I do.
And maybe, charm you  more than i do. We'll see. Haha :')

I know I can't take one more step towards you

Sighs.

him or HIM? 烦啊烦啊烦！

Fuck all that. Just freaking be that me again. Stand alone.

Facebook status #1:

A part of me tried to convince myself, but the other part of me is not convinced at all.

Facebook status #2:

Charlie Kenton: Alright, you don't wanna talk, fine! I'll talk. What do you want me to say? I'm sorry? No, you knew. You knew from day one what this was. You decided to take the ride. I mean, what? You actually thought me, you and the little robot from the junk heap were gonna ride off into the sunset? Come on! No, you...you forgot who I was. You deserve better...than me. Will you say something, please?

[Max ignores him, gets his back and jumps off the truck]

 
Charlie Kenton: I tried, okay? I mean, what do you want from me?

[Max in tears, turns to Charlie]
Max Kenton: I want you to fight for me! That's all I ever wanted!
[he turns and leaves]

-Real Steel

 yeah, 1st is for ya and the other is for YA. Ganjinni, dont bother thinking. Go back to that independent u. You dont need them.

It is that heart pumping again.

30 Oct 2011
Movie

31 Oct 2011
Awkward

5 Nov 2011
Warmth :)

Ok, initially i talk to him because I wana forget about HIM.
But now im talking to HIM to not let him haunt my thoughts.
OMG.

what's going onnn?

No NO NONONONONONONO. NO!!!!!

I feel like I've been living in the darkness for so long.
I feel like crying out loud.

Is it possible to change one's character?

There are some things about myself that I want to change.

Things like the way I think, what i think of myself, etc etc.
可是，怎么去改变一个人的本性呢？


I tend to think a lot, I'm indecisive and I hate to admit that I'm flawed.

I'm always trying to be that perfect person which makes me lose confidence even more at times.

And I wouldn't admit everything i just said above all the time.

In life, we tend to look back instead of looking forward. Cos the past is sth u've experienced, the pain, the anger, the joy, the tears. So it's carved in your memories. But you do not know what holds for you in the future. So you do not know what to imagine bcos it's so abstract. It's not wrong to look back, but when u are able to look forward, that's the day u set urself free from the prison of past. Finally able to let go completely. :)

• ME

  • hey, i wana let u know that im okay and thanks for letting me know
  • it should have happened long time ago
  • but im glad that we're still friends
• HIM
  

  • I agree. i guess it was just me not being able to let go. Im glad we are still friends too.
• ME
  

  • haha, i guess it's not just u
  • sometimes we just keep lookin back and miss the good old days
• HIM
  

  • yeah.. we definitely had really good times. something we cant seem to find anymore.
• ME
  

  • yea things change
  • nevertheless thanks for the memories
  • at least now decisions are made
• HIM
  

  
  

  • same here. thanks for the memories and the love.
• 
  

  ME

  • we can now look forward instead of looking back
• HIM
  

  • yeah
  • we can
• ME
  

  • :)
    

    
    

    
    

    P.S.  It used to take years and then it reduced to months, then just weeks, became days the longer it gets and finally, for the record, it took me HALF A DAY this time.
    Time heals. It's true. It's not easy. But for those who were hurt or are hurt,
    this is for u.
    Someday, you'll be there. ;)

解脱

Practice了太多次，level of 痛已经一次比一次减少了。
我们的故事，朋友都听到累了。
就此为止吧。

是个解脱。

知足

Some things in life haunt you forever.

Regrets, Scars...

可是 知足 的 人，

往往都会比较快乐。

而怀恨，怀伤，怀痛 的 人，

得到的 总是不够多。

不开心   因为不满足。

An answer to regrets and losses.

Most of the time, we can't make up to regrets and losses.

But sometimes, there are other ways to put away your regrets and losses, with great effort.
An answer to the question of what would have happened if I have done this.
It's often to cumbersome and challenging to find out and so most people just moved on (physically) while regrets and losses haunt you.

Think I'll be able to take the extra effort? Hmmm.. We'll see.

Stress when handled well is healthy.

I am actually starting to enjoy my work. Strange isnt it?

Haha, i've a change of vision. Slight one. lols.

The road not taken

Maybe it's not such a bad idea.

It's sth I wana make come true in life and to think of it, i'll actually feel thrilled and at ease.

and i probably wont regret, cos it's my choice.

It's been a while

Haha, currently, room's a lil crowded. But i like this feeling. 4 people staying cozy in one room.

All i love dearly :)

Ok la, really lots of procrastinated work. Keep trying to clear.

Wanted to join Chyi they all go bai bai gonggong but it's ok, i'll go next week.

I miss family, home, Malaysia.

And suddenly, and sometimes i think of you.
Not all the time, in fact, hardly these days. But right now, is one of the times.

I enjoyed senior camp. And am happy to get to know more about people that I dont really know and of course to get to know new people as well. Being in Predators, feels comfortable :)

Im slowly getting used to less sleep. I guess, it's in a way, good?
But my whole body still sores from the camp.

I took leave today. Partly cos I'm drained after days of not enough sleep from work and camp.
And I haven't fixed the job given to me! God damn it, anybody good with excel VBA codes?

As long as I don't get it fixed, I won't have a peace of my mind!

This morning, joyce's fridge which has been left outside my room was stolen.
sigh, pek chek. Just when I thought I could finally do my work and get a good rest.

I just feel down la.. And no doubt laziness creeps in, but I've been trying to clear my workload from time to time. Just getting tired. Haha, but it's quite ridiculous to ask for a break when I just got back from a short break lately right?

Superwoman needs a shoulder. Just for a while.

I can deal with this.

Yes I can.

Truth is, I feel the workload piling up and not helped. :( And dealing with my emotional roller-coaster ride.
I guess the more workload chasing you, the more u feel like running away from responsibilities. But I can't do just that right?

I don't like to portray myself being weak but when I feel weak, I do hope someone's there for me.
But I just wouldn't tell anyone about how I'm feeling. Not when I'm having bad times.

Lol, has it ever happened to u? Hoping that people will magically know how u're feeling w/o u telling? N they'd come to u and make sure u feel better? I guess it happens to everyone.. Right?

Am sad

Took my blood test report earlier and got to know that my hyperthyroid relapse. AGAIN.

In my mind I was thinking, oh no.. have to take medicine again? that means gain weight again? aihz. I dont like to be under medication.

To my surprise, doctor looked at the report and said, "You may wana consider surgery?"

There was a 2nd option, radioisotope.

I asked the doctor about the risks.

For surgery, you'll get a scar and cos it's cutting near the throat and there's a nerve which links to voice box or sth. If accidentally cut the nerve, I may lose my voice. But if I get a good surgeon, it shouldnt be a big problem.

For radioisotope, there's a very small risk I'll get cancer since it's radioactive treatment.

Or I guess I can just keep taking medicine and monitor like how I've always done it? Just that it won't heal la..

I thought I've been well in control thus far, in terms of handling emotions and matters. Until I realize I'm actually having my hyperthyroid again, then I can feel the goitre doing its trick.

I guess, mind matters?

I don't have hyperthyroid I don't have hyperthyroid I don't have hyperthyroid I don't have hyperthyroid I don't have hyperthyroid I don't have hyperthyroid I don't have hyperthyroid I don't have hyperthyroid I don't have hyperthyroid

Industrial Attachment a.k.a. Internship!

1st day - Not bad! :)
2nd day - Overwhelming!
3rd day - Ok, things are starting to get serious.
4th day - Sleepy Sleepy Sleepy!
5th day - Starting to get the drift :)

My parents think I have poor money management.

And for me to think of changing my passbook account to debit card account, my dad think it's immature.

What?

I actually told them to see what's their opinion. And I dont know how this leads to immaturity.

When you feel bad, you just have to think of reasons not to feel so.

Been wanting to blog.. You can expect this post to be another wordy post cos I am so lazy to upload photos. Tonnes of photos in camera but none uploaded to facebook either.

Just as most of you know, I'm back in Malaysia and am going back to Singapore soon.
From exams to part-time job to EID to Vietnam to Malaysia, many juicy lil things happened.
To think of it, it's pretty overwhelming, I don't know where to start!
Nothing BIG happened. The only thing is that I felt different, from how I was before this.

To be honest, I don't know when did it started. My birthday? Or after? No idea.
It's as if someone implanted a seed in my soul to be acting and feeling this way.
You could say I'm feeling matured. It's this strong feeling in me. It's not sth I'm trying to be.

You know how you used to think you're matured when you're 18?
And how you want to prove to your parents or the adults that you ARE matured?
Acting as if you are so matured and pissed at your parents because they still think that you aren't matured enough to handle things?

Yeah.. Nothing like that. No longer like that, at least. How would I put it?
I'd say, it's as if you see a different light. The way you view certain matters and the way you respond to it.

Most of my friends felt the difference when they're around me. But I guess they could get use to it.

**************************************************************************

LATEST ADDICTION (been playing it repeatedly):

在很久很久以前
你拥有我
我拥有你
在很久很久以前
你离开我
去远空翱翔
外面的世界很精彩
外面的世界很无奈
当你觉得外面的世界很精彩
我会在这里衷心的祝福你
每当夕阳西沉的时候
我总是在这里盼望你
天空中虽然飘着雨
我依然等待你的归期
在很久很久以前
你拥有我
我拥有你
在很久很久以前
你离开我
去远空翱翔
外面的世界很精彩
外面的世界很无奈
当你觉得外面的世界很无奈
我还在这里耐心的等着你
每当夕阳西沉的时候
我总是在这里盼望你
天空中虽然飘着雨
我依然等待你的归期
我依然等待你的归期

In my context, 我 is HOME, it's here and it's you. 你 is me. Felt like this song is on a replaying mode whenever I'm at home.
*****************************************************************************

Lately, been worried about my brother. I think friends of mine who are the eldest child in the family are normally concerned about their younger siblings. It's a responsibility we tend to carry.

So if you're younger siblings, don't let your family worry about you ya?

Couple of stuff happened. Me. For my friend as well. I could relate to them.

We want what's best for the younger ones, but how do we know what's best?

My dad told me, if they hadn't told me what they told me back when I was 18,
will I be able to enjoy these much of freedom w/o worrying about tied down by relationships etc.
Well, that wasn't his exact phrase. But that's more or less what he meant.
What my parents do not know is that they were partially the cause of my complicated relationship which haunted me for quite a while.
They wanted what's best for me. But how do they know what's best for me?

A lot of things, adult learn by experience and mistakes.
They don't want their children to repeat their mistakes.
But some things, sometimes, it's just part and parcel of life.
It's just growing up. It's not sth you can or should stop it from happening to your loved ones.

Sometimes, caring for your loved ones means letting them fall and learn how to stand up and move forward. Caring is not holding their hands tight and not let go. So if they're off the ground and you insist to hold their hands tight and not let go, it's almost as if leaving them hanging in the air and disabling them from foot holding the ground.

Let go. Let them fall. And they crawl and they stand. Then, you encourage them to move forward.

Let them know, that you'll be there.

My friend, you get what I mean right?
We can't do much. Decision is theirs.

All we can do is light up the paths when they're in their darkest moments.

Should have posted this on my birthday.

Greetings from Hanoi, Vietnam!!

Ok, can't log on to facebook so I figured this is one of the way to reach out. Though I doubt anyone would be reading this post anytime soon.

Loving it :) was tired this afternoon cos I only slept an hour or lesser prior to departure.
But we're spending more than I've budgeted and we won't be going to Sa Pa anymore...

I guess I can do it some other time.. Cos it'd be quite rushing to do it.
I'm excited about the 3 days 2 nights cruise in Halong Bay though!

WooHooo! Many many pictures in Facebook when I'm back! Hopefully I wont be too lazy to upload them into facebook.

Finally, a true blue holiday! :D

Life's awesome as of now.

IA allocation, winning of EID, chances of taking part in James Dyson Award..

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

HAHA. Hope these are like the stepping stone to build dreams and
dreams will come true someday, right? ;)

Work and Future

Today was the release of IA allocation results!
haha, yeah well, I've got my 2nd choice, Leica! And yes, I checked. Shell did not hire anyone, from NTU at least?
I heard that Shell only take one intern and most likely, it'd be their sponsored scholar.

So here's Leica's main website:
http://www.leica.com/

I get so hyped up watching those cameras and lenses and the video:
http://us.leica-camera.com/home/

So, for those who do not know much about (I didn't know much about it either, all I know was it's a big company which produce lenses), apparently Leica produces lenses for big brands like Nikon, Canon, Sony, etc. :
http://www.leitax.com/leica-lens-for-nikon-cameras.html

Cool huh?? And I think I'm in the procurement department! Which is the kind of job I wanted to do :) But we'll see how it goes ;)

And so I was telling my dad the (good?) news. Haha. My dad kinda popped sth at me. He said he was talking to my mom. They knew I wanted to study at Harvard and they decided to let me do my MBA there if I want to. Dad said if that's the case he'll have to work for one more year to save up for the tuition fees. He checked the tuition fees and needless to say, freaking expensive. He said that he saved enough for his retirement with mommy and told my brothers to let him know where they want to study and all so that he can make plans. To see how many more years he need to work to save for those tuition fees.

Awww... :( Of course I don't want my parents to work so hard just to earn me tuition fees! I will definitely figure out ways to try to lighten their burden. Or at least, to use some of those money to travel instead! lol :P

OK GTG. Project meeting then Work! 3 more days to work! JIAYOU GAN JIN NI! EARN MORE $$$$$. woots.

well, 21st birthday is also just another day right..? Mmm...

why...

and i guess that's why i figured i shouldnt have one in the first place..

cos now im grasping the air.

The French version of "Lazy song"?

English Translation of the song:

My room is a cage 
The sun streams through the window, 
the hunters are at my door 
like those little soldiers 
who want to take me away. 

I don't want to work, 
I don't want to eat
I only want to forget and so I smoke. 

Long ago I knew the smell of love, 
a million roses didn't smell as sweet. 
Now a single flower in my way makes me sick. 

Chorus 

I am not proud if this life 
that wants to kill me. 
It's magnificent to be sympathetic
but I have never known this.

念。

期待。何时归根？

It was never your turn.

And it's silly to actually think of it.

AND yes, i guess, that's why I understand how you feel.

Nothing really ends.

It's a continuous story-writing till u stop breathing.
You can hype up the story or u can mellow it down.
But stories don't just stop and end there.

Who is?

It's as if hearing him singing this song to me.

Hearing it is as if seeing him in my mind.
Sometimes I just don't think I deserve anyone.

Or probably just won't find anyone for myself.

Haha, Bobo teases me from time to time.
But I guess I am just too hard for any guys to take up.

It's not that I want to be that way.
but I'm hard on my own.
(as in I demand a lot from myself)

Which guy could take that?

"Sometimes you just forget how much you love someone."

Fits perfectly.

This. Fits the whole picture perfectly.
(Love?) Story of my life.

If I were to choose again..

I think I might choose to go to an art school.

Dealing with disappointment.

Conversation that made me CRY so badly.

[1:40:00 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: apparently the resume is like filling up the form online kind of thing..
[1:40:04 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: =/
[1:40:17 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: i think i'll most likely go for local internship first
[1:40:27 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: then apply for exchange programme in my 2nd semester
[1:40:48 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: after contemplating about it
[1:40:51 AM] wahkwang: Mum was asking why Montreal
[1:41:13 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: because i saw the e-mail and i thought it would be an interesting experience
[1:41:13 AM] wahkwang: Yah, that's a better choice
[1:41:39 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: i am going through the list of interviewing companies
[1:41:47 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: i can only choose one
[1:41:51 AM] wahkwang: Guess mum wants to keep you around
[1:41:57 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: lol
[1:42:09 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: she'll never be able to let me go then
[1:42:23 AM] wahkwang: She is very proud of you,
[1:42:53 AM] wahkwang: Said that you have also make her having respected too
[1:43:10 AM] wahkwang: .... by others
[1:43:50 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: haha, really?
[1:44:14 AM] wahkwang: It's ok, if you want to go for further study after NTU
[1:44:26 AM] wahkwang: Yes, she dies
[1:44:34 AM] wahkwang: Does
[1:45:01 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: lol, your typo eror gave me a shock
[1:45:35 AM] wahkwang: Well the i and o is just beside
[1:46:42 AM] wahkwang: She said you have make us proud for being good in your study
[1:46:55 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: i am glad
[1:47:04 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: but I dont think I did good enough
[1:48:02 AM] wahkwang: It's ok, we know you can do better just that sometimes you loss focus
[1:48:28 AM] wahkwang: You likes to enjoy too much...
[1:49:10 AM] wahkwang: Likes spending too much time on extra curriculum
[1:49:50 AM] wahkwang: If u focus on your study you'll definitely do much better..
[1:50:56 AM] wahkwang: Actually mum was the one who has put a lot of effort on you, and you are her product.
[1:51:41 AM] wahkwang: You are like her, see the way you know how to bargain
[1:52:20 AM] wahkwang: and handle ppl
[1:53:05 AM] wahkwang: Ok, I am going to sleep now, tomorrow I've a morning flight to catch.
[1:53:23 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: okay, good night dad. sleep well.
[1:53:30 AM] wahkwang: Good nite and take care, sleep early
[1:53:44 AM] Jin-Ni Gan: thanks. you have no idea what you said means how much to me. hugs.
[1:53:50 AM] wahkwang: Love dad


************************************************************************
Suddenly I realised, I haven't been crying for a while. When was the last time I cried? I don't remember..

. . . Something To Think About . . . 

THE SITUATION
 In Washington DC , at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes.  During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.  After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing.  He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule. 
 
About 4 minutes later: 
 The violinist received his first dollar.  A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk. 
  
At 6 minutes: 
 
 A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again. 
 
At 10 minutes:
 A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly.  The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time.  This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.
 
At 45 minutes:
 The musician played continuously.  Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while.  About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace.  The man collected a total of $32.
 
After 1 hour:
 He finished playing and silence took over.  No one noticed and no one applauded.  There was no recognition at all.
 
  No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world.  He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.  Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.
 
 This is a true story.  Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the DC Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. 
 
This experiment raised several questions: 
 
      *In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? 
 
      *If so, do we stop to appreciate it? 
 
      *Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?
 
One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: 
 
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made . . . 
 

How many other things are we missing as we rush through life? 

Failure is my motivation.

So today I had my CA (Continual Assessment).

Like I said in Facebook:

It's as if the CA questions were looking at me and say "Oops, you didnt study my part?" 

Oops.

Yeah, serve me right. I know. Kinda lose the momentum of studying after 3 tests and slack.
But you know what! Everything happens for a reason.
Failure is my motivation. So I'll work harder for my one last CA
--*announcing the toughest subject, according to most people* + *drum rolls*......

ELECTRICAL AND ELECTRONICS: CIRCUITS AND DEVICES

which is yet another subject that I've not touched at all since the beginning of the semester.

Nevertheless, I'm glad I did alright for the first 3 CAs, DIED in 1 today and the final one...?

YET TO BE KNOWN. Will keep you posted perhaps ;)

**************************************************************************

My New Favourite:

    

When life gives you shit, you smile at them & say "WhAt?"

I lost weight, didn't I? :)

you say you love me but what are you doing?

Something new perhaps?

I really wanted to start a new blog. A themed-blog.
Always wanted to and been thinking about what theme should I go for.
And this whole ciba vision-seeing the world competition sorta thing is really encouraging me to start a new blog all the more.

WELL, I could continue to use this blog and stuff...
But there were a lot of stuff deemed private (at least to me) in the past.

Nevertheless, lately, something has been telling me it is OKAY to open up yourself.
Is it because I have an exchange roommate?
I am seeing more things?
Or this blog http://mymydinh.tumblr.com induced me to be more open?
When I say open, I don't mean doing or perceiving anything bluntly or blindly.
It's more like being open about what I am and who I am.

Anyway, I particularly like this post by Mymy:

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. 

He’s Just Not That Into (2009)

Whoever says that happy ending HAS TO BE getting married and live happily ever after right?
It is yet again another indoctrination, thanks to those fairytales.

BTW, no, today is the first time I'm reading her blog. By chance or by luck, I found her blog due to certain reason. Sometimes, I do believe in fate. Do you not? :)

Anyway, I'll still keep this blog as it is while setting up another new blog. Cos this blog would be more of like a diary and the new one... Muahahaha. Yet to be known.

We shall wait for the day to come! ;)

No.

Why did I let myself fall into the trap in the first place?
I need to get out of it before I fall deeper into the trap.

But it's deeper than before. Shucks.

****************************************

It's all in your mind. Your mind is creating stories.

Winners never quit. Quitters never win.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE READING MY BLOG!

Omg. I felt as if lightning just struck me or something!
Okay, I actually had something in my mind that I want to post.
But Im kinda lost now.. =/

*Breathe in. Breathe out*
Ok, I'm back on track.
NO WAIT. Im not.. =S
Ahhhh, it's just. My blog has been quite private. At least, that's what I thought.
And suddenly bobo chan tells me my blog is in someone else's blog list.
AND I realised his blog has like more than thousand of views.
I just dont know how to response to it.

***************************************************************
Fair enough, I've been proving myself right lately.

Those who are afraid will lose out.
Cos you don't even dare to try.

Those who aren't afraid to give it a try,
at worst, you will get embarrassment or get hurt.
But you either gain a lesson or you succeed.

First incident, winning a free Bangkok trip. Many would think it's luck.

I think it's luck too. BUT, if I didn't take my initiative to even participate in the first place, where comes the luck?

Second incident, I managed to get Autodesk (yes that famous software company!) to sponsor for our event. Honestly, I didn't even know about Autodesk until my friends were having casual chats after our weekly meeting. One of the main committee member participated in their event and he was holding a sling bag with "Autodesk" printed on it.

I asked if he has any contacts from the event and he gave me this business card of the Education Program Manager's of Autodesk, ASEAN.

Tried my luck. And there you go! BINGO! ;)

(And the list of incidents could just go on and on..)

Plain luck? Nah.

I think luck comes to those who made enough effort.

We've tried hundreds of sponsors before we could get...like 5?

Even if luck doesn't come to you, JUST KEEP TRYING.

Winners never quit. Quitters never win.

(Was looking back at old sms-es and saw this phrase told by tara. Found it particularly apt lately. Perhaps this is the guidance I've been asking for? :)

I think too much.
I should observe more than I think.

For now, I just want to get things done. :)

What is it?

Something's missing. And I really don't know what, who, how, when, where to look for it.

Dear God, give me a direction please.

What am I going to do in future!!!

Where should I apply to for internship!

I want to do sth great in future but I gotta start somewhere!

I'm Glad

    people around me are really nice people.

:)

I shouldn't.

Never know ;)

Some things in life, you'll never know you're missing it until you're doing it.

Life. ;)

I just can't stop listening to this song.

It gives me a sense of leaning on someone's shoulder.
But I can't find the shoulder.

Just another weird dream.

I dreamt I have a boyfriend. AND girlfriend.
Boyfriend was.. Hmmm. Ok, I'm not goina tell.
But it's aww so suhweet.
Girlfriend was.. HAHA, tara. Cos we're both fed up with guys.
Although the 'boyfriend' in my dream was sweet to me, but he's entangled with so many ex-girlfriends and stuff.
So yea.. A lil sad and disappointing.. Me and tara.. started kissing? and kinda like got together.
Hmmm, so many people appeared in my dream, even this fat cat which i think is maha's pet! Elvis! LOL.

OMG, it's such a weird dream.
Lol.

But somehow, part of me wish part of the dream is true.

Mark my first!

LOL. Yesterday, 23rd Feb 2011 (Wednesday) was my first time clubbing!
I finally actually did clubbing! before 21! LOL.

Hmmmm. I still dont like the alcohol effect. I vomit easily.
All in all, it's truly an experience.
Haha, thanks to Maha. Tsk.

But both, me and my friend, realised we're not really the party animal kind..
I had fun nevertheless :)

Whatever happens to memories and feelings once so dearly to you?

To see me coming clean, it's not easy.

To see my friends break up, it's painful.

The people we once devoted so much and cherished them so dearly..
when you first realised that things between you and him/her,
what's left,
are just photos..sweet and sour memories both has had...

it's not strange at all to feel the heart pinch.

For me, it has come to a point where I don't think what we went through is such a waste anymore.
There's no right or wrong. You and I.
There's a lot of wrong timing. But.
It's no longer the same thing we're talking about.

For her, I feel the pain and think it's such a pity to see them break and her heart shattered.
But as long as you feel alright, my friend, that's what that matters.

It's so strange how things could evolve.

You don't choose who to fall in love with. You can't. 

It comes almost naturally.

- adapted from the movie "No Strings Attached" 

You know, it's really those moments when you start thinking to yourself, "What am I doing?" as the time goes tick tock tick tock slipping away off your hands, that really gets you.

Time catches everyone.

And the world goes round the sun 

And the memory lives on in my heart

Going back to the start

Forever forever forever

- Sandi Thom, Time.

Never

never ever ask or make statements you don't mean to say.

guys are just so capable of doing that.

Today.

Shall be a productive day!

As Always.

I should have known better.

Secrets.

Do you keep secrets? Secrets of your own.. That nobody else knows?
Or just something that you hide from the other person?

One told me this:
"You know how its not healthy to have too many secrets?
 yet its important to have ur own privacy as well?"

I have my fair share of.. actually i wont call them secrets.. It's just something that I wont really talk to people about.. But I guess once it is told and provided the listener understands how you feel, it would be such a relief.
Cos you don't have to hold back these loads on you anymore, at least not so much anymore..

Do you have "secrets" like that? If you think you don't have anyone to turn to, you have me :)


then again i asked myself, who do i have? i have myself..

Happy CNY :)

这几天都很有领悟。

生命里，总会有想要逃避的时候, 但是当你勇敢面对，积极地采取行动，你会发现
当问题不再是你想要逃避的烦恼，不再挂在口头上而没采取行动，那种满足感是远远超越“舒服”地逃避或躲在安全区的感觉。

人，往往怕而逃。怕痛，怕失望，怕离开，不想离开comfort zone（安全区？）
其实，越是怕，越是痛。
越是怕，它越是贴近你。

它，就是你不想面对的事情。

人，可以有很多种想法，也许来自一样的出发点，却终 于不一样的结果。

U're the one..

The one that I would turn to when I don't know who can I talk to.

This cny.. Well, i was quite excited from 'chinatown' onwards.
Here in my home. It's cosy..
But a lil quiet this year.. No mahjong sound..
But got mama's snoring at night :) lol

And it has been raining continuously, literally!

I met him yesterday. I dont know why did I allow myself to do so.
Im sorta numbed and I dont think I should meet him again, at least for this cny..?
I duno. Unless he asks. Which I doubt he will.
(No wait, I shouldn't meet him even if he asks.)

Things arent exactly the same anymore. Why would they be right?
Absence of gonggong..
How I feel..

Then there are the mind-boggling school stuffs and my aims which are causing a turmoil in me.

It's just like a whole tornado going on in me yet everything feels so empty.

I refuse to think. But I know I cant keep avoiding.. I'll hafta do sth at the end of the day.
Just dont know what it is. yet.


Since when did targets become pressurizing rather than motivating?
For almost every matter! Maybe it's me?

I dont know i dont know i dont know!
All I know now is that HOME is just SO cosy.. It makes me not wana move an inch of my body, my brain, my everything...

Overwhelming

My brain! my brain!

overwhelmed with thoughts.

 as if all random words popping out!

emotions

engaging

do this

do that

huh what?

i dont know what i'm thinking about.

No dont do that.

what about that?

why arent there progress

im going nuts!

ahhhhh. just wana finish up this freaking 4000 words report (excluding the executive summary, referencing and appendices. wtf)

and our MiE business.

like seriously! I don't feel we've done enough! It's so frustrating when you feel like your partners aren't doing much!
What's worst is the dateline! like urghhh, wtf seriously. 

and then later there's the EID meeting. which I havent done much.

AHHHH. HATE TO DO THINGS INVOLUNTARILY. YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!

I COULD GO TO THE TRACK AND RUN 10 ROUNDS W/O STOPPING RIGHT NOW. GRH.



************
it feels like im getting somewhere but i cant find the direction.
need a space to get there. get to the light bulb!

说到做到。

颜靖霓加油！！

这个 semester 等着你来挑战！！

:)

I'll aim for the highest stars and should i fall, i'll fall on the clouds.

Aim:
(i) All A's. Better still, dean's list. (**update** oh wait! i forgot dean's list is a yearly thing! since i screwed up that one subject... dun think it's possible ady la! but it's ok. i'll still aim for the best this sem!)
(ii) Earn and save enough money for summer trip
(iii) Healthy lifestyle.

it's time. to work..

back to unfamiliarly familiar place.

had to know my exam results this morning and come back to this place where i struggled through the exam days.
tsk.

alone and famished. slight grief.

freaking grew mould all over.
needa buy moisture absorbent.

it's time to work.

i could hear your heart shattered through your eyes.

but we know it's nobody's fault.

and i know i had to do it.

you've been great though.

My new mantra:

Chins up, Head high, Look forward, Keep walking!!!

I dont understand what's holding you back.

But you probably dont know I meant my words.

Either way, it's fine. Cos the conclusion is still the same.

My mind's trying to be in control but my heart just wont let me.

But I guess, it should stop there.

No matter how much I wish to see you again..
Is that what Im supposed to do?
Why is it so hard to let go.

if i could, the first thing i wana do when i see you is to slap you.