Of heartaches and tears

原来我还是会心痛的。
其实，不只是你一个人在破解答案，你一个人在苦痛着。
我真的搞不懂。。。请你不要再混乱我的思想了。
如果你觉得你一直以来都在迁就着我，
那你又知不知道我也一直在迁就着你的感受？

你说我不够坦白，其实更让人摸不着头绪的，是你呀！



哭并不代表脆弱。
如果哭出来，能给你一股更坚强的力量，那就放声大哭吧！
Why do people always associate crying together with being weak?
If the tears make you feel better and crying gives you a greater strength,
THEN CRY OUT LOUD.

有我在。
I'm here.

Responsibilities

when others' convenience became your inconvenience..

when kindness is a mistake..when kindness is a fault..

when u're caught in between..

who would have understand how I FEEL?
I am lectured like a kid when I'm turning 20! (NOT GOOD)

and I hate to admit this,but I'm crying.
aihz. it's time to turn to my thyroid pills.

****updates****
okay, i feel a lot better. yes i did eat my pills.
no, it's not the pills taking effect so fast.
yes it's cos im done crying. LOL.
i dont know how to explain my situation.
but seriously, how about feeling sorry for me?
OKAY. I hope i can study tonight. foo~

Let it all out.

If this is what you wanted, then honour it.
Thing around arent any better for you,
doesnt mean you should make it harder for yourself.

Not feeling good? Find a way to vent out the sucky feelings you've long beared.

Anything. Anyhow.
Slam on your guitar, piano, dance, sing out loud, jump, cry, whatever!

Feel alive again. Make yourself feel good.
That's primary. The rest are secondary.

Do u talk to urself in ur mind a lot?

I slept at about 3 odd a.m. yesterday(or today, whichever u prefer).
but it felt like i couldnt sleep properly.
it felt as if a lot of things are running across my mind.
by right, i should be sleeping like pig and wake up and 11+am.
but i was already conscious probably abt 7am.
and continued to sleep with these voices in my brain.

i woke up abt 9+am and saw an sms from lydia the florist saying,
"Friends, visit www.assemblehappinest.com or contact me for our flower bouquets catalogue this Valentine's Day! Contact us Today to avoid disappointment :)"

I'm like okaY~... so much so for a reminder and a GOOD morning.
Then i straight away on my laptop and check stuffz for the v-day event.
My main concern is still the beanbags part. I desperately need an alternative to it.
Plus all these were notified so last minute i've only a tight schedule of about 2 weeks plus to make sure everything goes right.
Mmmm. I need to call for meeting 2mr.
(lol, chehhhh... serious nyer. Haha)

Of course there's the academic stuff that are bothering me la.. Okay, it's more like procrastination annoys me.

Yeah. Have u ever talk to urself in ur mind a lot?
I wonder if it's only me? Or does everyone else does that too?
It's like a 2-way conversation going on in your brain. You tell yourself sth, then there's another voice telling the 1st voice to think otherwise, like be positive OR sometimes it's like u asked urself a question, then the 2nd voice will give u an answer... Those kinda thing..
Do you guys experience that?

Hmmmm.
HAHA.

mmm... wait till 10th feb is over. Hopefully then i can sigh in relief. =) at least my burden aint so heavy no more by then ;)

University

You know how people always have mindset of their own and certain benchmarks to judge things and other people?
Cognitive schemata it seems.
It's strange, lil things like eye contact might not be essential during conversations (Or at least when you introduce yourself to someone) in certain cultures; What is real in this world; The assumptions we made based on observations unconsciously etc...
These small lil things never came across my mind before. Or at least, I wasn't aware of them.

University.
University life.
I think it kinda gave me a purpose to be alive. (well, in a way..)
Professor rusli was right about what we're learning these days (not sure if it's only our uni or singapore uni or what) are generally more diluted but covering a broader scope.
Which is true.
I kinda find a balance of the scientific side and artistic/philosophical side of me.
Seriously,
For a mechanical engineering student,
Who has to learn from physics & maths (these are predicted right?)
TO life sciences(biology stuff, ugh)
TO economics (@@)
TO effective communication (which is where I learned about the cognitive schemata)
TO acting and representation in theatre & film ?

"Oh, give me a break already. Are you serious? You hafta learn all that?"
If that's what you think, trust me, there's more to it ;)
HaHA, yes I'm serious. Well the 'acting and representation in theatre & film' is an elective la.
Nevertheless, still! haha.
(Btw, the 'acting and representation in theatre & film', yes we watch movies, but it's not the MOVIES WE WATCH all the time, at least no so much of that kind. And trust me, it's very philosophical- which is what I love about it. It allows me to explore the 'artistic' side of me. =P )

Yep, to add on, there're activities, talks, exchange opportunities etc.
There's a lot to learn. A LOT to learn really.
I think university should NOT be about getting good grades and study and study and STUDIES only. (It shouldn't be about studying, it should be about learning)
BUT whY? WHY do people always make it that way?
I mean, it's the true learning that will get you far.
NOT the grades. Those are short term.
WE always forget the genuine purpose of what we're doing.
WE TEND TO FORGET the roots.

My ultimate point is, WE ARE LIVING IN THIS BOX and hell yeah, we gotta kick this box out of here and set ourselves free! Dude, it's like plato's allegory of the cave.
Open up your mind and delve in deeper.

I for one, has always thought I am a quite open minded person myself.
And today, I realise, not quite~ Really. Not quite yet~
When I say open minded, I don't mean, OH yea~ I don't mind walking on the streets naked kinda thing. No no no no. I meant open up your eyes, your soul, there's a lot more, TOO MUCH more to see in this Universe.

Haha, kay, despite all the things that inspire me in university, it's a lil hectic schedule, i've gotta say. Actually, the schedule's alright. Just that the travelling part kinda take a toll on me. At times, I reach home about 11+pm, other times, probably 9pm or so.
*TODAY'S THE DAY I REACHED HOME EARLIEST! AND I AM SO GLAD I FINALLY GET TO SLEEPPPPP WELLLL!!! WIPPEEE!! =D*

Yeah, it's also because I'm in my school's sub-committee. Planning on events and I'm the group leader for one of the event. And if you know me well enough, you should know I'm very particular about these things.
Yessa, I'm a perfectionist.
You know what, maybe I should really consider going into like event organizing industry after i graduate =P

~There's something in me which arouse the urge of offering help to people and to connect with people. I wana get out of this box that I'm restricted in. I want an outreach.~

---------------------------
today's diary:
urgh. I didnt do my tutorial because I was so worn out by the time i'm home yesterday night. I felt utterly annoyed with the fact that I cant get things done. (Not quite sure what's going on during physics tutorial. :( i hate.) I gotta improve on my time management. I also gotta improve on structuring my mind. I'm always all over the place. urgh.
okay, talk abt sth more enlightening. yoga works =) i feel it on my muscles. really hope i can go for like proper lessons. And darn, i gotta stop stalking :p gahahahaha.
signing off,
with love,
jinni =)

Im Still Breathing =)

You know how I always wana write so many things in my blog but ended up either not in the mood or short of time to do that?
And how I mentioned this SO many times before?
haha :p

well, long story cut short, this post's goina be in point form.

1. Accidents happen in life. I guess, we should always allow some anticipation for the unexpected. Hmmm?
2. I dont remember what to say already... Cos I'm starting to feel blur again... zzz...
HAha.

So much so for the 1st day of my 2nd week. Took me half-an-hour to walk all the way in. =/ I'll update u guys more on this some other day i guess. I should be reading. But I'm really tempted to blog. Cos..this is the only place my thoughts wont be feeling lonely =P

因为每当我感觉空虚的时候，这儿是我最能依赖的地方。
cos when my soul feels empty, this is a place where i can depend on.


I just gotta spill it out u know. hehe.
I miss you all ♥
at the end of the day, i still think abt u.
-argh, the v-day event is so close and i feel so unprepared! :( procrastination on workloads annoys me too. argh :( -

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAI LOU

Haha, happy birthday dai lou. Wanted to surprise you earlier but duno where are u now. Tried calling your phone and couldnt get through just now. I suppose u wont be reading this post before we're seeing you today, so yep, *cross fingers*

Yeah, neways, today's kiat's birthday, 20 years old. OLD. TSK TSK.
Haha, soon, it'll be me.

I dont know why but im feeling.. I dont know how to describe this. Irritatingly-emo?
Grh. I hate this feeling. Why am I feeling this way?
I dont understand either.

2nd week of Uni. Days will slowly become busier and busier?
Hmmm. Tutorials are starting. AND LAB, oh gosh, i hate lab sessions.
Then I'm goina be busy for MAE v-day event i guess? At least the planning part n the executing part. Just realise i've less tha 4 weeks to work with my team for that. =/
Then it's activities. Wootsa. Signed up for yoga and goina sign up for dance sport perhaps? SALSA babey~ :p

Yep. I feel like breaking into tears right now. Actually already had. Why ah?

Could it be cos im irritated due to all the undone works?
Could it be the weather?
Could it be not going out?
Could it be you?
Could it be thyroid?

Sighs. Sms-ing tara. And i miss her a lot too.

Just cos I'm losing my way, doesn't mean Im goina let myself continue losing my way.

I know i'll be fine in just a while.

Once again, happy birthday dai lou. Heart u as always ;) hugs

STARRY STARRY NIGHT (was)

haha, im sitting at the balcony with my laptop alone right now. yeahhh. hmmmm. dad should be reaching in another 2 hours time?

one nice thing about condo is that, it's windy and darn, i gotta admit the view from above to the swimming pool and lightings below. Gorgeous =)
Visualise this.
With a tinge of smell of the breeze, slight noise of mrt, lights of a number of houses still light up, aeroplane passes by once in a while, stars sparkling high above ya (it was la, but it kinda get cloudier, probably goina rain tonight)...

You don't feel so lonely anymore =)
which makes me think twice if i should still apply for legal squat in my uni's hall. =/
But an environment too comfortable to study here, dont ya think?
Yes yes! Apply! My only main concern is the toilet :( Oh, you dont wana know why... Trust me.

Newho, here in singapore, hafta save electricity and water MORE. It's like i dont even switch on the fan and here i am in the balcony typing. Such a good girl huh? =P
Wellllllll, no longer a spoilt princess in kl where i can on the air-cond as often as i want u see.. Which is good. Sometimes u need a balance in your life.

Went for karaoke with bobo and kiat today (FINALLY after..probably half a year already! ><) =D
for abt 4 to 5 hours... SGD22 siut!!!!!! free flow of drinks la.. But the drinks sucks.
$22... if u dont convert, then it's fine la... We kinda went all out? I guess? Or was it only me? HAHA! idk! ask bobo and kiat.
And before karaoke, brought them to tiong bahru market for FOOD. slurp~
dinner at mama's place. Watch few episodes of korean drama with chyi, bergor, gorgor and mama.
I miss chyi =)

So yep. That's pretty much all for today. SO, tomorrow's first day of 2nd sem. Uuush. SEMANGAT! Hopefully it doesnt fizzle off half way through. HAHA.

Yup, till then. Lots to keep track on since uni's starting. =/
-----------------------------------------------------
有时侯，展开胸怀，开朗地面对，会发现其实事情并没有想象中的难熬。
(Sometimes you gotta take things with open mind and you'll realise thing's arent as bad as you thought it'd be.)
这也是一种解脱，不对吗？
(It's also a kind of breakthrough, dont ya think? :)

退一步，海阔天空。=)

*oh, i forgot to mention im back in singapore but i bet those who're reading my blog would know. AND i had diarrhea since yesterday =.= But better now. So don't worry ;)*

My Last Day of Holiday (sort of)

Up there, they probably know that today's my last day of holiday here in msia for my first semester in uni.
Weather's gloomy today. Eating my brunch really late (3+pm almost 4pm).
Sitting at the dining table i barely sat for a total of half-an-hour throughout this holiday?
Flipping through the newspaper which I havent seen or touch one since...ever?
StarTwo, my favourite section from The Star newspaper.
The music from the piano... The song "安静(An Jing)" by jay chou.
The noise from the vacuum machine... from the car porch.

Feels like home. Indeed.
Before my brother was playing the piano, he was trying to piss me off. Grh. Typical.
Before my mom went to vacuum the car, she was nagging. Typical 2. =/

Haha. That's home.
And that's how I spend my last day of holiday here in Malaysia. At home.

I am lucky and really really grateful that I am able to stay for a week here before I go back to Singapore again. Cos I bet I'll be feeling miserable like Kiat now if I were to spend this entire week in Singapore.
"5 missed calls and a msg" from his Singapore number tells it all.

Haha, I'm already missing u all. I've been out almost everyday this week. Actually not really. It was only wednesday and thursday. But it felt like everyday for some reason and for my mom too (so she was mad yesterday night, over the phone telling me not to go out today).
I felt kinda guilty. But to come to think of it, i only went out monday night, wednesday noon and thursday. The rest of the days, well, mostly last minute FFKs (i.e. fly kite, bang seh, etc. All sorts of different way of saying it).

And I didnt make it to tara's place this week. Sorry dear.

Time flies. Entire holiday has been spent in the coach or airplane or car, in Europe trip and up & down Singapore-Malaysia. Tired of burning ass. Gahaha.
And my first sem has just passed. Just like that. Haha, remember how reluctant I was to go to NTU initially? AND TADA! I've finished one sem nevertheless.
I did badly for my first sem. For a few reasons which all comes under one word--lazy. Kay la, not that bad la, another reason would be reluctant.

*****okay i typed till this part and i went and do all sorts of other stuff and come back and dont feel like continue typing and forgot how to continue this post ady. SO i give up. =.=*****

Gosh, i really need some fresh air. FRESH AIR! i've been in the room most of the time! My room's filled with carbon dioxide! Gah. I wana go out but i havent pack and clean up my room. @@ Sighs.

Singapore here i come! NTU here i come! Second semester here i come!
I wont forget the promise between me and machok. Ngeh Ngeh. We shall see! XP

再见

我们这一次告别，不知何时再见。
可是，我们总算告了一个段落。

哈哈，不知为什么每一次当我说某某事时，你不同意，到了某某时刻，你才会不经意地体会到我所谓的某某事，而我也无话可说地屈服了。


诚心地祝你幸福。

seriously.

im sick and tired of doing all the planning.

i really dont wana do all these anymore.

i wana just sit and watch and let you all decide whatever you all wana do and just tell me the conclusion.

and then it's a yes or no, that's it.

what do you do?

What do you do, when you realise your friends lied about sth to you?

It depends on whether it's a big issue or not right?

But what if you trust them a lot and did not expect they'll lie to you about such things?

Even if it's an issue which does not harm you at all?

The problem is, lying about sth which doesnt harm me is not an issue, not trusting me to be able to understand and accept u as u are is the issue.

Haha, why am I always in these kinda dilemma? I mean it doesnt hafta be friend lying about sth, it could be friend who has hurt me in some sort of way before, etc.

But anyways, I stick by them till today. Till today.

Despite the things they did. Why?

I dont know. Cos Im their friend. If i dont stick by them, whoelse are goina stick by them?

Cos despite all the deep shit, moral support is what they needed most and hence I chose to stick by them at the time where nobody elses would.

So I was asking, why am I always in such dilemmas? Deciding whether to confront them or not?

I believe I've always make a decision that's best for both. Or at least, that's the best I could do.

This time round... I dont know. We'll see how it goes?

Maybe god knows I'm a person who's capable of handling these things and hence tasks were given to me instead of someone else. AHAHAHA. =P

And so, to my friends, no matter what you do, just try to be truthful to me and u know u dont hafta disguise urself in front of me. Nevertheless, I'll forgive you if there were things u did and u'll still be my friend forever ayte?

(as long as what u do is not illegal and like super duper immoral kinda thing la)

At the end of the day, I'm still here for ya. That's why I'm a good friend :p

hugs.

Goodbye teenhood.

Dashes of colours in the sky.


With the cup of sparkling juice in hand, we rushed to the car porch to watch the fireworks.


KeeBen: "There'll be 3 spots with fireworks in the sky. *points to the 3 directions respectively* That is MBPJ side. That is from 1U... *ponders a while* and that is from the Sunway Pyramid side..... Yes yes yes!"


Keecynn whispers loudly to my ear: He says that every new year. EVERY year w/o fail.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Then we went back into the living room, and countdown along with the tv programme.


Was wondering why the show only countdown after the fireworks were released.


AND today dad reminded me that there was telecast delay of 3 minutes. Dang~ We were late by 3 minutes cos we were watching the countdown in taiwan. Shucks. HAHA.





Nevertheless, this is the first time I spent my new year's eve counting down with friends instead of my family.


---2010---

It signifies a lot of things. And it's all in ONE. I left teenhood.


(Though not officially just yet!! =P but still... :( hahaha)





How does it feel like to be 20 (unofficially)?


---> Hmmm... It feels like knocking on the door of the world of adults and say "HI! I'm a newbie!" Lol. and yet it feels like i just had a graduation from the world of teenage.





Looking back, year 2009 has been.. i'd say, phase-changing. It's me entering University.. Leaving family for studies (in a way eventhough it's not too far a distance) .


There were good moments and memories I treasure a lot;
There were really bad moments I'd like to avoid thinking about them BUT i knew i have to face them.





Leaving college was rather sad. 2 years have passed just like that. JUST LIKE THAT. Aint long aint short BUT I've gotta admit i've got a bunch of GREAT friends from there. So much memories with them till sometimes Im so afraid I'll forget my high school friends.





This whole college period..was when I experienced my first love, my first freedom of driving around and lots more of my first.. There were a lot of firsts, whether major or minor.


First love was sweet and painful. Haha. and i had to let it go and let it go i shall

Nevertheless, I learned a lot, so, thank you.


First freedom of driving around and hanging out was awesome of course. ;P


Oh, not forgetting my first gay friend. :)


First time gambling during CNY at choon's place. (Aww memories)


First trip with friends (redang...)


Okay, a lot of firsts. Too much to list. So go figure out urself and check with me. HAHA





Wonderful experience indeed. Fulfilling.





HOWEVER, that also means painful to leave.


Of course, it's not so much on the friends and all that kills me to go to the University.


The first and foremost thing which kills me to go to the University was the time of notification.


There probably wasnt even a time.


It's not so much of the physical preparation (like packing etc) as well, it's more on the mental preparation.


Like a fool knocking left and right on the walls, I came into NTU.

Nope, I didnt get to tell any friends in advance.
Tasha knew cos she happened to call. And she cried. (awww..)
I logged into msn hoping that someone was there for me to let out.


I saw shan and i told her. Not much of a response. But yeah, i probably just got to tell shan over msn.



For those of you who knows me well, you know i didnt came here very willingly cos i had other dreams. Plus all the rush.. I started off my Uni days not-so-happily. Haha.


Despite the fact that I tried to anticipate, the people and the environment..kinda let me down.


BUT of course, knowing who I am, u know I'll have my ways. Cheh~ =P


HAHA. Not that Im saying Im studying in this Uni very happily right now, but well, I know it was my decision and Im responsible for my decision.




I know what I am doing. I believe in myself. That's more than enough right?





Back in Msia, each one of my friends are complaining about their uni life to me. Of course, I had my part of complains as well. But then again, like I said and like my dad said:

"If the environment would not change for you, you shift your mindset to adapt to the environment." (I would say paradigm shift rather than change urself cos that's just not right. U are who u are and u cant just change like that BUT mindset is sth that u can adjust.)




So when we complain, we complain BUT we knew we have to face it sooner or later. So let us all face it with courage alright?


LOL. Yeah, done with the philosophical side of me.





Moving on to the sentimental side of me.


Hmmm, Im a person who tries to look back a lot. Not that I refuse to look forward upon the future. It's more like, I always wana remind myself what I've went through and appreciate them and not forget them.


Chinese always say, dont forget your roots.


Cos I am what I am today with all those memories in mind.


W/o the memories, I'll be like a living zombie walking around with a blank soul. Right?


YEP, that's why I KEEP A LOT OF SMALL LIL THINGS.


Those who've seen my 纪念箱 woud know. =P


AND PICTURES! OH have i mention how it feels like to see photos which reminds you sth you've long forgotten? YES YES, i need to get an external hard disk ASAP before the photos occupied the entire space of my laptop! GRH.





And so it's a brand new year. New year resolutions, anyone?


Ai yai yai... mine? To make a difference.


This time round, I wont list them down. I'll have them in my head instead.


Cos u know how u always list them down and u'll dump it aside after 3 months RIGHT.


Anyways, this is one of my new year resolution and i hope i'll be persistent enough to do this.

YES, I've decided to upload pictures of people in my life(with me if possible). Let's see if I could do it for a year. I thought of this on one really random midnight when I was studying alone home in sgpore. I suddenly realised i havent seen my maternal grandparents for very very long time. It kinda struck me to realise I might not even have a photo of just me and my grandpa or grandma. Same goes to my paternal grandparents. AND a lot more important people in my life.
-
But it's not goina be just the important people in my life. Random people which I learnt sth from them or I just miss them suddenly. They'll appear too. =P
-
Neways, LONG STORY CUT SHORT.
-

-

I decided to start with a picture of me with most important people in my life which i've always taken for granted as an introduction.


"DAD, MOM, I know I haven't been a filial daughter. There are probably many times I've let you all down. And many times I didn't help you all much or lessen ur burden. Nevertheless, I know you all love me. And I love you all. You guys probably think I prioritize my friends more than you guys cos i've been out with my friends more often than spending time at home nowadays. I just wana let you all know that, I love you all and express it in a different way.
Definitely not the way I express to my friends, I dont know why. HAHA. Most likely cos of the way you brought us up. Thanks a lot for bringing me up and guiding me all the while. All the patience and love. I hope I'll be a daughter who makes you guys proud."

---HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE---

兩個世界-張克帆

My brother introduced me this song and i think it's quite nice. Though it's kinda emo-ish. haha