I need to sleep..

And Idk why I'm crying.. 

I feel so fking lonely & hurt inside.

Insecure.

It feels horrible when you know you can't afford to treat your family a meal, you can't buy the present they want. Can't give your parents money.

All the conversations they talked about, flight mileage and gold member and what not.. That my brother could buy a Xmas gift for my niece & I couldn't even afford this. It pains me inside out. That feeling of incapability.

And all that social media photos and videos of people travelling for holiday especially at this season.

One could not help but wonder how my life would have been if I continued to live a normal life & climb the corporate ladder. I could afford the house we probably would have been planning for; We would be on a honeymoon trip right now.

But nope, my husband (which sometimes I forgot that I'm married because wedding didn't feel like wedding to me for various reasons) is overseas working hard on the Biz we're working on. I'm alone. Here. Enviously looking at social media posts. Screaming inside but silent on the outside.
Not knowing if we would even survive this month. Just hoping for miracle to happen.

In debt. Way beyond what I could cope with. But still hanging on.

Yet still working on NGO efforts to help others.

Tell me, really, what are you thinking JNG?

Tell me, really, God - will this get any worse? Do kind souls really get what they deserve? :'(

什么时候才能不再让我的男人（们）继续热晒雨淋地做delivery呢？😩💔

轨迹

心里的眼泪，模糊了视线.. (8)
让我快看不见.. (8)

人生不能重来。如果能的话，会不会希望早一点遇见你？

我是个爱自由，爱刺激，爱新鲜的人，但是又非常有责任感的人。
我曾经轰轰烈烈爱过，也因此选择了与平平稳稳的对象结婚。

如果你问我爱不爱我老公，那问题就等于在问我爱不爱我父母。
那为什么这个人会在我脑海里一直徘徊呢？
是因为越得不到的，却会产生更多的幻想空间？
还是说，一个人是能够同时爱／喜欢两个人呢？

我脑里和心里都在说服着自己，this is just a phase, just like any others before.
All this wouldn't have matter down the road.

Keep a safe distance. 保持安全的距离。

也许这也是我那块 想保护脆弱的心灵 的一种 instinct.

Anyway, 现在也不是时候想这些东西。我还有一个 team 和很多的恩人需要做交代。
先弄好T先，再说吧！

灯光熄灭了 音乐静止了 滴下的眼泪已停不住了 天下起雨了 人是不快乐 我的心真的受伤了


你哭也没用…… 睡吧孩子，这只是暂时而以。
一切都会好的...

当你最需要帮忙的时候，得到的只是
“你们得更努力！”
“加油。”

脑海里是充满了满满的回音：
“我们还不够努力吗？”
“不是一直都说我们很棒的吗？”
“被逼走到悬崖的我们，不求你给我们天与地，只求你一绳子，凭我们自己的能力去挣回我们比所有别的都更值得拥有的绳子... 哪怕是个细的，我们也会有办法用它爬上高峰...”
“而你们都只是那几句，我们该做而都做了的东西... 说了等于没说的话...”

而我的回应也只能是—沉默。


你...明白那种感受吗？

I really feel like giving up...

em etam dekchec tsuj atl

Sigh. I just wanna be able to married like any other ordinary girl, enjoying the process and not having to worry about financial unstabilities...

Save me pls?😢

3am. I can't sleep.

My heart aches cos it's all the hard earned savings for my wedding that me & my parents are putting together to help pull through this.

I tried watching as many motivational videos, emotional videos to help vent it all out.
But no amount of videos could suppress or heal that feeling.

I never wanna touched my parents money and when I had to, you know how I really had no other means. The feeling of watching my bank account depleting week by week is also very helpless.

Dear God, should I be praying for miracle to happen?
It's not that we didn't try, but so many leads at early stage of the funnel.

Give me guidance & wisdom please. 🙏 Some luck too perhaps?

Is that all we are worth?
I don't believe so.

#WeAreFighters

打不死的蟑螂。

Alone at The Stamford Brasserie. Waiting for le fiancé while doing my work.

Sometimes I feel so lonely despite having all these people around me. These nights I sleep as though I was thrown into a bottomless ocean that I'm just struggling, kicking, waddling to stay alive and afloat.

I know that it's the anxieties getting into me despite my constant efforts reminding myself to count my blessings for all my loved ones are around me and that the company is still operating. But it's such bodily reaction that sometimes I couldn't suppress and I just need a hideout place or look for an outlet to vent.

There there, hang in there. I know we will pull through this. 还有什么更难的，我们没有经历过？
Besides, what'e the worst that can happen? Probably just starting all over again right?

我有信心 我们会像以往那样 一关过一关。我们是打不死的蟑螂。