Speaking my mind out. (too long a post. don't read)

Everytime i looked up to the starry sky, i can't help but to let my mind wander round the Universe.

I'd start thinking, what's next?

How's my future goina be?

U.S. or Singapore?

Everytime I'm driving, i'd start thinking about the same thing PLUS my friends and family

and what happened lately.

Everytime I do house chores, I'd start talking to myself about all these in my mind.

haha.

So, what's next, REALLY?

It was a 50-50 for america and singapore initially.

Then somehow it went to 65-35 where 65's for singapore. Cos i felt like giving up in going to america. Partially cos i kinda want to go to NTU with kiat and choonseng; Partially cos it's a country Im much more familiar with and that I shouldn't have much problem adapting to the new environment; Also, it's nearer to my friends and family in Malaysia; Not forgetting, I wouldn't hafta wait for a year before I enter university IF i am going to NTU.

Well, the fact that parents are out for this whole week and I had to play a good role as the eldest daughter and eldest sister did give me much thoughts about it.

Haha, you must be wondering what does that had to do with my decision in making a choice between singapore or america.

I must confess that I don't really enjoy doing all sort of stuffs for my brothers. But I wanted to be a responsible sister. Probably I was amazed by wen, yeechin and keecynn being a sister. Especially wen and yeechin. How hui actually listen to wen and how wen was willing to teach hui for his O-level; How yeechin arrange what she thinks is best for her siblings and also how her siblings listen to her as well.

Keecynn ain't exactly the eldest but yeah, she's kinda replacing her mom's role. Taking responsibilities and all that, though she's having maid now.

And so, i started questioning myself, why am I not like that? Have I been a selfish sister and just cared about myself and JUST ME having fun or too busy trying to settle MY OWN stress?

How come my brothers don't listen to me?

That day, dad called from Singapore asking if I have fed bruce and onion. I was answering him with the "I've-done-it-all!" tone. Lol. "Fed already lor! Bathed them also! and I'm tutoring Sern! *laughs* "

(Oh that was my first time bathing bruce and onion, though not thoroughly cos i was afraid to touch their private parts, LOL)

Dad: Wah, so good girl ah nowadays..

Me : Tau tak ape! (Good that you know!) *laugh laugh laugh*

Hahahahahaha. Dad laughed also and said will bring us out for movie this weekend or sth.

You know, I used to strive hard thinking I wana make my parents feel proud of me. I've always been giving myself pressure on academic wise and other aspects in school. But it's never enough for them, I thought. They ALWAYS have sth to complain about.

"Not good enough" "Why is it so bad?" "Don't you know how to manage yourself"

etc etc.

It's not that they're not contented I guess. It's just their way of teaching us. They don't really praise. Cos they think that the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement.

They didn't realise it has negative impact on us. But I guess there's pros and cons for everything you do, the way you handle it.

Anyway, I think dad must be glad that his daughter has grown up. =)

That is what makes your parents proud actually, right?

I won't deny I'm still quite a spoil brat which pule, whine and complain, throw tantrums, having the tendency to splurge and my childish times. I'm still like any other teenager who wants to have FUN, throwing responsibilities aside.

My slackness manifest it all for the past few days. As much as I reminded myself about my responsibilities, there are a lot of thing that I dumped aside and facebook-ed + msn-ed instead.

Not following the schedule I planned, not doing house chores, etc.

Today I woke up realising how indisciplined and disorganized I am. That is why I always ended up in a mess.

Initially, I was quite stressed out looking at the schedule i planned for tuitions for my brothers. But I learn to take things as it goes. I learned to tell myself not to get stressed out and that I can handle it well. I still procrastinate a lot. That's why I need to get organized AND disciplined. :P

I didn't wana be NATO (No Action Talk Only).

So today I did the laundry and finally fold the clothes which are so wrinkled, etc. HAHA

Oh, did i mention? I told jye quite a lot of stuff lately. Discussed about his passion also.

Bottomline is, I think I have learnt to take up responsibilities seriously and I want to learn to be independent and strong. Going to america all by myself will teach me a lot of things. I'd go through tonnes of trials and tribulations but hey, every lesson learnt is the treasure I gain in my life. Yes, true, I'll learn sth if I go Singapore also right? Yeah, perhaps. But I'm pretty sure with my family around, I'll still be in comfort zone.

Going to america also means getting different exposure, broaden my social network.

Of course, I can always do my degree in Singapore first then Masters somewhere else. Just that, I think this is the best time to drill myself. In my opnion, studying Masters overseas is a whole different experience already cos u're already an adult, like officially adult. Yeah. LOL.

So, I was thinking, YEA, I'm mentally and physically prepared to take the road less trodden!

To wait for a year, it's not long, not too short either.

To be honest, I AM worried if I'll start slacking by then.

But I'm sure I'll find out more stuff during this period of time.

I always think life's much more than this. Life out of house ain't easy at all, I know. I'll know even better when I experience it myself. =P

SO, america? HAHA. I'll talk to my parents about it again. They've been persuading me to go to Singapore first.

If it's due to financial problems, I'd really like to find ways to settle it myself. Easier said than done, but still. That's the whole reason why I insisted in going to america right? To be independent and to make myself mentally stronger.

We'll see. I hope I'm not like hangat-hangat tahi ayam dohh~! Suddenly get all timid again and gets back to singapore. HAHA.

Whatever it is, all I know for now is that I love my family and friends and count my blessings for having them. Nothing's more important than this right? Dreams.. Yeah, maybe. But w/o them, how meaningful can a dream be! yes? no?

I HEART YOU ALL.