A memory box you shouldn't have opened.

I honestly, seriously don't know what's wrong with me.
It's like there's this sudden emotion engulfing me.

My tears just couldn't stop streaming down. And I feel pain, sadness and fear.
On the outside, I look and sound like I freaking know what's going on and that I have everything under control. But on the inside, deep down, I'm crumbling.

And I'm trying to rebuild again.

Good thing I preserved my wall of encouragement from Uni days. Reading through every single post-its help calm a lil bit of my nerves.

I think - the thought of being 27 years old and the last thing I knew was me being 18 at that house... And everything else in between zoom-passed - the thought of that. FREAKS ME OUT.

In the past few months, a lot has happened. And.. I've been bottling up. Truth be told, I was all numbed. I was all focused on Telepod. I haven't had time to process my emotions.

I can't even remember when it started but everything felt so long ago. She called me, I sneaked out of office.. she was shivering.. from then on, there has been nth short of drama that has happened. All the way, till my grandma's passing. One after another...

Idk why, it's like, everything's getting better (I think), but I...
I guess, I missed those days... where I could be truly carefree and enjoy quality time. Those moments...
Telepod, is like a dream come true but yet, I have caged myself in this pursuit of dreams. Consumed.

and there'll come a day, I'll have to let go...
But for now, I have a team of 8 and more to come to feed. And I can't let them down.

I look to the day I free myself again.

Well.. Guess what?

Mr Alfy decided that he can't commit and buh-bye!

My reaction was like.. wait what? w..t..f...? But yet I was calm as hell, kinda laughing and sort of anticipated this to come.

After going through so much, can't help but to feel like this is just another small hurdle, 应该是看开了吧？

But of course, I couldn't help but to worry and wake up in shock, then unable to shut my eyes to sleep.

Already I was freakin' out looking at the number of days I have left to finish up my project and prepare for my Master's final exam. Now this.

On top of the whole roller coaster of dark energy recently, trying to handle co-founder's depression AND trying to keep my sanity and not be affected.

It was a lot to take on, really. Emotionally.

But.. Guess what?

I am trained for such capacity.. And I'm should be grateful that I have co-founder who covers me, so that I can have that one day of time to study... even if it's just half-a-day.. I'm already thankful.

When was the last time I could really sit down and enjoy studying+learning in peace?

God knows...

#myinnerstruggleeveryday... #nobodyknows #nobodyunderstands

#Day288

Sometimes, the journey in the pursuit of dreams can feel quite lonely and helpless.

The anxiety is real.
The insecurity is terrifying.
The darkness comes and go like the clouds.

On the outside, all is good.
On the inside, it's like a great storm and emotional turmoil is cooking up.

You gotta find an outlet, and keep reminding yourself to look for the door litted "EXIT" sign when you find yourself surrounded by darkness again.

I hate birthdays. My birthday at least.

As you grow older, birthday just becomes more and more awful.
Panicking that another year has passed is one thing, hoping that your closed ones and loved ones are there to go through that with you is another.
I don't understand. I thought I'm through it during my 21st.
Like no expectations and stuff, zoom forward 5 years, I thought I'd be okay.

But I'm not, I'm really not OK.

I guess my 25th birthday wish didn't come true. It was simply, to spend this day with you guys every year.

No more birthdays in future pls, thank you.

二十六岁生日，感觉有点儿忧伤。可是应该庆幸和感恩才对… 经历了不一样的路，学了很多，跌了再爬，希望有一天能成功。更希望的是，在这坎坷的成功轨道上，有我在乎的人会与我一起度过。成功的滋味儿才会是甜的。

JinniJourney #105 - 3rd Jan 2016

It's a strange feeling. Looking back at posts, reminding you about things-you-absolutely-had-no-idea-you-said-before. Haha, kinda wanna laugh looking at the old posts, yet sometimes amazed at my "wisdom" at young age, LOL.

Was trying hard to recall my blog url cos I just needed an avenue to release my thoughts but it's too private to be posted on Facebook. That's always the time I remembered I have a blog.
So the last time I posted was almost a year ago (well, seems like the trend is on average of every 7 months, I'll come back again).

Ok, so it's 2016.

Let's reflect on 2015.
- Conquered Mt Rinjani
- CEO leadership (collaboration) award
- Promoted to Senior Engineer
- Left job & Stuck my leg into the startup world (Biggest move in my life)
- Study mobile app development
- Applied for Masters (& got it)
- Resolved with past mistakes & Reconnected with bff (Best xmas present)
- Celebrated 2 years anniversary
- Been to Barcelona & Toulouse
- Surprised him with birthday present
- Dream about transportation revolution just as ever
- Interviewed tonnes of people in the social industry
- Travel to and fro JB, met an inspiring man & family with a lot to learn from

What I learned from all these:
1) Impermanence
2) Trade expectation with gratitude.
3) Don't be afraid to step out and approach. If you never try, you'll never know.
You really don't have to get everything ready to talk to someone, because you'll never be ready enough. What's the worse thing that can happen? No reply, or worse still, Rejection.
But that's okay. 如果别人朝着你扔石头，就不要扔回去了，留着做你建高楼的基石。

Good Reads

ABCD of how to never get frustrated

A is adversity. Traffic is awful.

B is your beliefs. And often they're irrational. "This shouldn't happen to me." Well, guess what, Bubba? It is happening.

C is consequences. You get angry, frustrated or depressed.

In very few cases can you change A. But you can change B. And that will change C. So let's bring in the 4th letter.

D: Dispute your irrational beliefs. "Wait a second. When did the universe guarantee me a trouble-free existence? It didn't. Traffic has happened before. It will happen again. And I will survive."

What did Epictetus, the great Stoic philosopher, say way back in the first century AD?

People are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.

What did Shakespeare write in Hamlet?

There's nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.

How about the Buddha?

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world.

37 rules of life (Words of Wisdom)
有些事，很多人在做；你不做，不代表你错了。
果实熟透了才可以采摘，思考沉稳了才可以充分表达。
欲胜人者先自胜，欲卑人者先自卑。