What is this feeling I can't seem to surpress?

 Sometimes, it's like all of a sudden, I feel myself grasping for breath.

Sometimes, it's like there's this sad me/voice buried somewhere deep inside my mind that is popping out from time to time. Out of the blue,  making me feel this tsunami of uncontrollable..sadness? That I really wanna get rid of.

Why am I feeling this way? What's this voice in my head? Is it just me wanting to escape reality all the time? 

What am I missing? Why am I judging myself all the time? Why are these voices playing in my head when obviously, nobody is 'really' saying those stuff to me? 

I think. I should really see a therapist.

But im worried about the price too.. 

Purpose of life ain't that Spark but the meaning of life

 Discard the noises.

Practice the art of indifference. 

Focus on what you want to learn, take away and achieve. Your personal goals.. 

Monday blues

4 months in and I could really feel the dread to go to work...

Every Monday I wake up with this sucky feeling. 

Missing the passion & satisfaction from startup days

Is it a case of missing what you don't have?

Is it a pathetic me looking for excuse and escape?

Yesterday they said want to get the consultant back; Today he say maybe can acquire this other company and have him as CTO - I was stunt. 

Why do we always have to do a lot more to prove what we're worth?

They don't care. Why should I? 

Phoenix Rising from Ashes

Lately it seems like most things are almost magically with an unknown force compelling towards positive direction, which is great.
Last night as I slept, for some reason, this phrase "Phoenix Rising from Ashes" kept repeating in mind.

Hopefully so.

I'm up late at 3.20am right now so that I can try to do some work. Havent been able to get work done during the day. I'll either have to babysit my niece or do some follow up work on T, like all the logistical arrangements for shipment of scooters or follow up work for winding down.

Then by the time i'm ready to sit down and do work, le hubby would be home and decide to work on the furnitures for a timeline seem somewhat eternal. It has gotten to a point where i start to feel really frustrated BECAUSE i have deadlines to meet and i cant get shit done!!!!!!!!

FKKKKK. It's like my timeline has to revolve and accommodate everyone else's. And I have to stay up late every night till like 3am to compromise with all this. It's not like it's anyone's fault but it's affecting my personal schedule and daily sleep is getting shorter because no matter what time i sleep, i still wake up at 8+am. There always seem like there's still more to do.

I just f*ckin need to vent!!!!!!!! my f*ckin pent up frustration or else i'm a ticking timebomb.
And constipation for consecutive 3 days now, again. FKKKKKK.

OKAY, i shall not let my anger & frustration linger longer than this post. IT ENDS WITH THIS POST.

*BREATHES*

Just had the haemorrhoid surgery yesterday.

Honestly, I haven't been sleeping much for nights.

Not sure if it's the anus hurting, heart aching or just mental torture

I can't sleep..
I'm just binge watching The Good Doctor so I  can get myself distracted.. I'm in denial..

Idk how to help myself .. Waiting is painful..
Unable to do anything about the situation is miserable..

I really want a fresh start 😥

Is it aching or just numbed?
I can't tell anymore.

I look forward to a fresh start with new people and environment, with the exception of few that I can continue to work with.

I kinda wanna just get a high salary job and pay off the debts.

But I need to ensure proper closure and transition.. Time is ticking..

And the most painful part, is to be sitting and waiting...
Sense of time starts to warp and distort.
It makes me anxious..

A hug and a kiss on the forehead, everything else melts away.. 🤗

Special delivery today ❤️

Fought with hubby this morning and he left to eat breakfast without me.
Was preparing angpow and
Bank account left $200..

I burst out crying - idk because of the fight or because of the bank account balance. Maybe both. Maybe more of latter.

Last night crying like shit watching last few episodes of Girl Boss on Netflix.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm married. Sometimes I wonder if we love each other romantically at all.
Sometimes I don't know why I married.
Sometimes... I just don't know what I'm doing...

Now I'm just sitting under the sun at the playground in front of my grandma's house not wanting to enter alone and get all the questions... Sitting under the hot sun, waiting for my man to enjoy his breakfast and take his stroll over..

Right. What a perfect morning to kickstart the day.

I look forward to the day I won't wake up feeling anxious...

Happy CNY! First year as a married woman. Lol. So far so good.
Wrote half way on the day before yesterday (初四) when I was at midvalley with him at A&W.

Had been feeling very lost and after yesterday's meeting with ADUN, I have truly shattered into pieces. Like the only reason why I held on so strongly to fixing transport issues have also been trashed.
Utterly disappointed by politics and its probably the same everywhere.

Today went to thean hou temple and prayed before sending him off to take bus back to SG. The masks were precautionary steps against coronavirus, lso commemorating this special year of rat.

I wasn't sure why I felt very tempted to 求签 and pushed to action for the very first time.

And this was what I got:

 While I know not to fully depend/trust this as I have always believe at the end of the day, 还是要靠自己, but I'll admit that it made me feel better reading it.

I seriously don't know what's gonna come and how else to lead my team now but I hope I'll figure out. With help 🙏😇

I am ready af for new adventures. 我只想对亏欠的人有个交代。

I need to sleep..

And Idk why I'm crying.. 

I feel so fking lonely & hurt inside.

Insecure.

It feels horrible when you know you can't afford to treat your family a meal, you can't buy the present they want. Can't give your parents money.

All the conversations they talked about, flight mileage and gold member and what not.. That my brother could buy a Xmas gift for my niece & I couldn't even afford this. It pains me inside out. That feeling of incapability.

And all that social media photos and videos of people travelling for holiday especially at this season.

One could not help but wonder how my life would have been if I continued to live a normal life & climb the corporate ladder. I could afford the house we probably would have been planning for; We would be on a honeymoon trip right now.

But nope, my husband (which sometimes I forgot that I'm married because wedding didn't feel like wedding to me for various reasons) is overseas working hard on the Biz we're working on. I'm alone. Here. Enviously looking at social media posts. Screaming inside but silent on the outside.
Not knowing if we would even survive this month. Just hoping for miracle to happen.

In debt. Way beyond what I could cope with. But still hanging on.

Yet still working on NGO efforts to help others.

Tell me, really, what are you thinking JNG?

Tell me, really, God - will this get any worse? Do kind souls really get what they deserve? :'(

什么时候才能不再让我的男人（们）继续热晒雨淋地做delivery呢？😩💔

轨迹

心里的眼泪，模糊了视线.. (8)
让我快看不见.. (8)

人生不能重来。如果能的话，会不会希望早一点遇见你？

我是个爱自由，爱刺激，爱新鲜的人，但是又非常有责任感的人。
我曾经轰轰烈烈爱过，也因此选择了与平平稳稳的对象结婚。

如果你问我爱不爱我老公，那问题就等于在问我爱不爱我父母。
那为什么这个人会在我脑海里一直徘徊呢？
是因为越得不到的，却会产生更多的幻想空间？
还是说，一个人是能够同时爱／喜欢两个人呢？

我脑里和心里都在说服着自己，this is just a phase, just like any others before.
All this wouldn't have matter down the road.

Keep a safe distance. 保持安全的距离。

也许这也是我那块 想保护脆弱的心灵 的一种 instinct.

Anyway, 现在也不是时候想这些东西。我还有一个 team 和很多的恩人需要做交代。
先弄好T先，再说吧！

灯光熄灭了 音乐静止了 滴下的眼泪已停不住了 天下起雨了 人是不快乐 我的心真的受伤了


你哭也没用…… 睡吧孩子，这只是暂时而以。
一切都会好的...

当你最需要帮忙的时候，得到的只是
“你们得更努力！”
“加油。”

脑海里是充满了满满的回音：
“我们还不够努力吗？”
“不是一直都说我们很棒的吗？”
“被逼走到悬崖的我们，不求你给我们天与地，只求你一绳子，凭我们自己的能力去挣回我们比所有别的都更值得拥有的绳子... 哪怕是个细的，我们也会有办法用它爬上高峰...”
“而你们都只是那几句，我们该做而都做了的东西... 说了等于没说的话...”

而我的回应也只能是—沉默。


你...明白那种感受吗？

I really feel like giving up...

em etam dekchec tsuj atl

Sigh. I just wanna be able to married like any other ordinary girl, enjoying the process and not having to worry about financial unstabilities...

Save me pls?😢

3am. I can't sleep.

My heart aches cos it's all the hard earned savings for my wedding that me & my parents are putting together to help pull through this.

I tried watching as many motivational videos, emotional videos to help vent it all out.
But no amount of videos could suppress or heal that feeling.

I never wanna touched my parents money and when I had to, you know how I really had no other means. The feeling of watching my bank account depleting week by week is also very helpless.

Dear God, should I be praying for miracle to happen?
It's not that we didn't try, but so many leads at early stage of the funnel.

Give me guidance & wisdom please. 🙏 Some luck too perhaps?

Is that all we are worth?
I don't believe so.

#WeAreFighters