打不死的蟑螂。

Alone at The Stamford Brasserie. Waiting for le fiancé while doing my work.

Sometimes I feel so lonely despite having all these people around me. These nights I sleep as though I was thrown into a bottomless ocean that I'm just struggling, kicking, waddling to stay alive and afloat.

I know that it's the anxieties getting into me despite my constant efforts reminding myself to count my blessings for all my loved ones are around me and that the company is still operating. But it's such bodily reaction that sometimes I couldn't suppress and I just need a hideout place or look for an outlet to vent.

There there, hang in there. I know we will pull through this. 还有什么更难的，我们没有经历过？
Besides, what'e the worst that can happen? Probably just starting all over again right?

我有信心 我们会像以往那样 一关过一关。我们是打不死的蟑螂。

En route to Sacramento

 This trip to SF, unlike the first and last one before this, had a little more space and time to digest, sink in a lil bit more.

Just watched an episode of 我是演员 at boyboy's hse. One particular line that struck me was to "lose yourself & be that role", how it's about making the character so believable that the audience see you as the character instead of you.

The BBC (Billionaire Boys Club) movie's paradox theory..

There's just lots crossing through my mind right now, I wish there's a voice recorder inside my brain cos thoughts just cross my mind way faster than I can type... Lol 😅

Determined to get through this. Land grab and sell, let's do itttt

Good day to catch up on lost time, loved ones

Been having that migraine and vomit thing again for the past 2 days, but this time it's milder.
Learning how to heed to my body's call. It's a sucky feeling when the migraine hits, like I just couldn't get up to do things but yet my head is spinning with all the list of things to be done.
Horrible horrible.

But yesterday was pretty much resting even though I went to office, managed to do some laundry and cleaning at home - FINALLY.

Anw, purpose of this post is not to whine but instead, to share the good feelings. I noticed that usually I turned to this blog when I need to vent frustrations or negative feelings. But I think - it doesn't have to be that way. And I'd like to record some of my positive feelings as well.

Today started on a good note, had a long phone call with T, albeit some tears here and there - I do have a good feeling that something's gonna work out this time. And I hope I can help to do at least a little to make it work.

We have a to-do-list:
1. Scanned copies of MRIs and doctor letters/descriptions, if any

2. Compile research articles about growth in spine

3. List down specialists that we would wanna write letters to

4. Confirm appointment with UH - let's see what's their take and if need ops, whether they are open to us inviting specialists to KL for 'research collaboration'

The next good news that came in, B managed to conquer the Ultra Marathon - so proud of her!! It's sth that she has been really wanting to do and to be able to finish it, gosh. Can imagine how much emotions is gushing through her. I feel it for her too 💪

My man is away on  biz trip but distance kinda make the heart grew fonder. Just taking time to make my coffee and continuing my laundry, processing the feelings - all these, already felt like a bliss.

And tonight going to have dinner with DLDS.

Ah. Just letting these seep in and kicking away all the thoughts about work - feels good.

**************

On a side note, looking back at the past 2 posts, hey Telepod is going international now and the team has grown. Kinda outgrew the space we have 😅

All that stress and mess - we can conquer it too, just like how we always have. There there, we're all good and keep hustling ayte? 💪

Milestone in life

Well. The good thing is - we're finally signing the documents.

I was really anxious and eager to close it. I got really frustrated when it was not moving.
Just imagine - 6 to 8 months of going through this sh*t, and just watching my savings burn month by month.. So close to burning all of it. And.

12 lives to feed.

12 lives in your hands.

It's really heavy to shoulder and I can't, breathe. Not till this is finalized.

I can't eat, I can't everything. Not till this is finalized.

I didn't mean to be angry with him, but it's just. Frustration bottling up when it did not seem to be urgent to him.

The desperation in me is really driving me to a corner.


I went to the rooftop, reflect about today and how I'm easily agitated. I honestly don't know why, maybe it's menses, maybe I'm lost again, maybe I just haven't processed my feelings for some time.

And the more I think, the more I breakdown. After letting all out, now I'm just. Tired.
I want an ESCAPE.

I wished he would come find me by the pool side but I guess, it was but a foolish wish.
Am I so unworthy to you?

A memory box you shouldn't have opened.

I honestly, seriously don't know what's wrong with me.
It's like there's this sudden emotion engulfing me.

My tears just couldn't stop streaming down. And I feel pain, sadness and fear.
On the outside, I look and sound like I freaking know what's going on and that I have everything under control. But on the inside, deep down, I'm crumbling.

And I'm trying to rebuild again.

Good thing I preserved my wall of encouragement from Uni days. Reading through every single post-its help calm a lil bit of my nerves.

I think - the thought of being 27 years old and the last thing I knew was me being 18 at that house... And everything else in between zoom-passed - the thought of that. FREAKS ME OUT.

In the past few months, a lot has happened. And.. I've been bottling up. Truth be told, I was all numbed. I was all focused on Telepod. I haven't had time to process my emotions.

I can't even remember when it started but everything felt so long ago. She called me, I sneaked out of office.. she was shivering.. from then on, there has been nth short of drama that has happened. All the way, till my grandma's passing. One after another...

Idk why, it's like, everything's getting better (I think), but I...
I guess, I missed those days... where I could be truly carefree and enjoy quality time. Those moments...
Telepod, is like a dream come true but yet, I have caged myself in this pursuit of dreams. Consumed.

and there'll come a day, I'll have to let go...
But for now, I have a team of 8 and more to come to feed. And I can't let them down.

I look to the day I free myself again.

Well.. Guess what?

Mr Alfy decided that he can't commit and buh-bye!

My reaction was like.. wait what? w..t..f...? But yet I was calm as hell, kinda laughing and sort of anticipated this to come.

After going through so much, can't help but to feel like this is just another small hurdle, 应该是看开了吧？

But of course, I couldn't help but to worry and wake up in shock, then unable to shut my eyes to sleep.

Already I was freakin' out looking at the number of days I have left to finish up my project and prepare for my Master's final exam. Now this.

On top of the whole roller coaster of dark energy recently, trying to handle co-founder's depression AND trying to keep my sanity and not be affected.

It was a lot to take on, really. Emotionally.

But.. Guess what?

I am trained for such capacity.. And I'm should be grateful that I have co-founder who covers me, so that I can have that one day of time to study... even if it's just half-a-day.. I'm already thankful.

When was the last time I could really sit down and enjoy studying+learning in peace?

God knows...

#myinnerstruggleeveryday... #nobodyknows #nobodyunderstands

#Day288

Sometimes, the journey in the pursuit of dreams can feel quite lonely and helpless.

The anxiety is real.
The insecurity is terrifying.
The darkness comes and go like the clouds.

On the outside, all is good.
On the inside, it's like a great storm and emotional turmoil is cooking up.

You gotta find an outlet, and keep reminding yourself to look for the door litted "EXIT" sign when you find yourself surrounded by darkness again.