What is this feeling I can't seem to surpress?

 Sometimes, it's like all of a sudden, I feel myself grasping for breath.

Sometimes, it's like there's this sad me/voice buried somewhere deep inside my mind that is popping out from time to time. Out of the blue,  making me feel this tsunami of uncontrollable..sadness? That I really wanna get rid of.

Why am I feeling this way? What's this voice in my head? Is it just me wanting to escape reality all the time? 

What am I missing? Why am I judging myself all the time? Why are these voices playing in my head when obviously, nobody is 'really' saying those stuff to me? 

I think. I should really see a therapist.

But im worried about the price too.. 

Purpose of life ain't that Spark but the meaning of life

 Discard the noises.

Practice the art of indifference. 

Focus on what you want to learn, take away and achieve. Your personal goals.. 

Monday blues

4 months in and I could really feel the dread to go to work...

Every Monday I wake up with this sucky feeling. 

Missing the passion & satisfaction from startup days

Is it a case of missing what you don't have?

Is it a pathetic me looking for excuse and escape?

Yesterday they said want to get the consultant back; Today he say maybe can acquire this other company and have him as CTO - I was stunt. 

Why do we always have to do a lot more to prove what we're worth?

They don't care. Why should I? 

Phoenix Rising from Ashes

Lately it seems like most things are almost magically with an unknown force compelling towards positive direction, which is great.
Last night as I slept, for some reason, this phrase "Phoenix Rising from Ashes" kept repeating in mind.

Hopefully so.

I'm up late at 3.20am right now so that I can try to do some work. Havent been able to get work done during the day. I'll either have to babysit my niece or do some follow up work on T, like all the logistical arrangements for shipment of scooters or follow up work for winding down.

Then by the time i'm ready to sit down and do work, le hubby would be home and decide to work on the furnitures for a timeline seem somewhat eternal. It has gotten to a point where i start to feel really frustrated BECAUSE i have deadlines to meet and i cant get shit done!!!!!!!!

FKKKKK. It's like my timeline has to revolve and accommodate everyone else's. And I have to stay up late every night till like 3am to compromise with all this. It's not like it's anyone's fault but it's affecting my personal schedule and daily sleep is getting shorter because no matter what time i sleep, i still wake up at 8+am. There always seem like there's still more to do.

I just f*ckin need to vent!!!!!!!! my f*ckin pent up frustration or else i'm a ticking timebomb.
And constipation for consecutive 3 days now, again. FKKKKKK.

OKAY, i shall not let my anger & frustration linger longer than this post. IT ENDS WITH THIS POST.

*BREATHES*

Just had the haemorrhoid surgery yesterday.

Honestly, I haven't been sleeping much for nights.

Not sure if it's the anus hurting, heart aching or just mental torture

I can't sleep..
I'm just binge watching The Good Doctor so I  can get myself distracted.. I'm in denial..

Idk how to help myself .. Waiting is painful..
Unable to do anything about the situation is miserable..

I really want a fresh start 😥